jorja rivero

gentle

2012-01-11T20:59:00.009-05:00

Take the next moment to be gentle.

Being gentle is not being limp or collapsed, flaccid, languid, or disengaged. Gentleness is having a kind disposition - (a sweet one) - one infused with amiability and tenderness.

Gentleness dates patience!

Take a moment to define what gentleness is and feels like to you. Be kind with where and who you are now (ever-changing). Use your mind, heart, and body to do this. Use your imagination and be sure to feel and sense your experience.

A few ideas : for me, observing or doing these simple things cause meaningful ripples :

* acknowledge what I feel now - no matter what it is - (on the same note be who, what I am now! surrender into myself with love, as if hugging my sister)

* close my eyes and make it a point to invite the next breath into my body gently and ride my exhale as if fully relaxing into this moment, my body, the earth ...

* backing off completely when in pain or angry and drinking a mindful breath in to support my next action : an make it a point, for my next action to be gentle, no matter how stiff, weird, rigid, sharp it initially feels. Do this until I feel a shift. (This does not mean avoid what you feel, it means : feel fully AND choose what you want to do with and about it!)

* sit still for a few minutes

* notice that my breath breathes me

* use my breath, intention, and imagination to relax my muscles, open my grip, release my jaw, and keep my heart open

* encourage my eyes to find their way and rest towards the back of my head

* imagine what gentleness looks like or remembering moments of absolute kindness, sweetness, tenderness

I feel the need to say that gentleness does not mean you avoid intensity, although I do see it as giving intensity an opportunity to expand the moment, ourselves, and our repertoires of being instead of rigidifying us into immobilization.

If intensity and rawness are present that is what is there now; put all your sweet effort, attention, intention to move towards it, respond to it, share it, embrace it, talk to yourself, feel it, live it with *sweet gentleness*

Change does not come about by force - but - by fully embracing, leaning gently into the person I am *now* and the moment as it is *now*

When I am gentle (sweet and loving) towards myself : I heal! And healing puts me face to face with the freedom I have to live my life to the fullest! -

Do not mistake gentleness for not having a spine : gentleness is made of the same power than our vulnerability, and these two, I know today, are fearless qualities - needed - to live life fully!

~
I really enjoyed finding these gentleness quotes:

* Gentleness is the antidote for cruelty ~ Phaedrus

* I learned that it is the weak who are cruel, and that gentleness is to be expected only from the strong ~ Leo Rosten

* I want to make wines that harmonize with food - wines that almost hug your tongue with gentleness ~ Robert Mondavi

* Nothing is so strong as gentleness, nothing so gentle as real strength ~ Saint Francis de Sales

* Only the weak are cruel. Gentleness can only be expected from the strong ~ Leo Buscaglia

* When you encounter difficulties and contradictions, do not try to break them, but bend them with gentleness and time ~ Saint Francis de Sales

* Hold on tightly : let go lightly (one of my favorite quotes from the movie Croupier).

Now : go and be gentle! Reveal your sweetness ~

fell to pieces : not apart

2011-11-20T10:17:00.019-05:00

i heard the fracture : my broken heart lay beating
*a*l*i*v*e*
breathing, pulsing, trying to loom itself back in, to stitch and thread back remembrance ~

i will write my next post about when a heart-break turns sophisticated ... but for now :

- learn one thing : the world was made to be *free* in.
Give up all the other worlds except the one to which *you belong*
Sometimes it takes *darkness and the sweet confinement of your aloneness* to learn :
anything or anyone that does not bring you *a*l*i*v*e* is too small for you ~David Whyte (The House of Belonging)

- owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it.
*Embracing our vulnerabilities* is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on *love and belonging and joy* - the experiences that make us the most vulnerable.
Only when we are brave enough to *explore the darkness* will we *discover the infinite power of our light* ~Brene Brown (The Gifts of Imperfection)

~ when you *come to the edge of all the light you have* and must *take a step into the darkness of the unknown*
believe me two things will happen :
either there will be *something solid for you to stand on or you* or will be taught how to *f*l*y* ~Patrik Overton

... *funny how sometimes falling can feel like flying*

~ in the end the *hungry desire* of life is such that ~ *grapes thirst to become wine,* orchids are *fearless and burst shameless into fullness;* they never once question, they gracefully *let go and fly*
Life is not hesitant or afraid to *dismantle* itself *to become more of itself* Hearts crack and *that is how the light gets in* -
*and*
THIS is *the most benevolent* - not easy and often challenging - *act of love.* THIS is *life's sweet disposition* and *expression of wholeness,* of longing to become more, fuller, richer, alive, to connect, belong, feel, and be
~ we *a*l*l* desperately, often in mysterious ways, want to come to life ~and~ for that the thresholds of feeling, experiencing, and growing are inevitable : step into *your heart,* *it longs for you!*

freedom to choose

2011-11-07T12:58:00.008-05:00

To realize how much of my life I actually choose was one of the most empowering (slash - borderline) daunting moments of my adolescent life.
I understood, for the first time, responsibility as my actual ability to respond (or not!) to my life, myself, and any given situation, at any given moment in time. (*Response-Ability!*).

I felt as though I just discovered something everyone else knew. I felt as though I arrived late to the party - regardless - something felt like an accomplishment. I felt like on a mountain top : taking in all the fresh air and expansive view. My life gained more texture, meaning, depth. I thanked my realization came early - although - in someways, it felt late! (*How are we to know who we grow into or at what speed?*)

NOW : there was no hiding (although there is always a way to choose to hide), but - in many ways - there was no hiding from my freedom, my choices ---> no hiding from : me! <--- at least no hiding without being aware that that was what I was choosing! Therefore : there was no hiding! (*Courageous self-awareness*)

I picked up pieces of my heart and mind; the discovery (i.e. having) brought up its inevitable companion (i.e. not having)!
That is, whenever we receive something we've knowingly (or unknowingly) been craving, needing, longing for; we will experience not only the fullness, satiation, and hopeful trust in our environment and others - but simultaneously and paradoxically - we will feel the loss of time, the emptiness of not receiving it or knowing it available to us. (*The pain of not knowing we could choose! Or the pain of knowing we can and have to choose!*)

I had to frequently remind myself before I knew this in my bones and body - that - even a healthy choice presents anxiety, confusion, challenge, loss, and growing pains!
I do not know if you are at all like me - but I did strive (*and hoped with all my might*) that I would someday figure out a way around these; I NOW know to go through them and trust them as opening me to more growth and inner support. (*We are in constant change : living breathing organisms!*)

I love this quote by David Schnarch,
We have the fantasy that we have the choice between being anxious or not. Unfortunately we don't. Our choice is between one anxiety or another. Do something scary - or face problems from not doing it. Male an error by commission - or omission. Face the anxiety that things will change - or stay the same. Do things you've never done - or forfeit that taste of life. Face the anxiety of growing up - or the terror of facing life as a perpetual child.

NOW ~
* you have a choice, even if you choose not to choose
* your awareness is precious and empowering
* sit and feel the cost - in your body, heart, and mind - of choosing and/or of not choosing something you are struggling with
* choose!
* choosing or not choosing will present consequences (some foreseeable, some unknown until you choose)
* respect your choice : respect other people's choices
* you choose or someone else will
* if you choose something that feels like a mistake : choose to repair it. Learn from this so called mistake.
* choose to stand up for yourself and for what you want
* choose to speak up : support your change

*choose your life : your life chooses you!*

LOVE! it take strength to love!

2011-11-06T18:01:00.000-05:00

- .Y.E.S. - LOVE, an unending, unbound, unconditional reservoir of energy.

LOVE, life force. LOVE, ever-expanding ~ LOVE. Relentless.
Ever-present potency, desire, longing, impulse, drive, force, intensity, spirit, vitality that only knows to be authentic and continue to vest itself forward, pour itself out, offer itself fully, share itself unconditionally and expand ad infinitum!

We : expressions of love!

Now, that is one topic that - .Y.E.S. - fascinates me and I find : spiritual, uplifting, amazing, esoteric, mysterious and I am passionate about
--- yet another ---
one, that I am contemplating with all my senses, is the actual - emotional, physical, and mental - strength that is required to love (not only ourselves but another)!

Love is an expansive expression of life : an act of endless growth - and it will precisely do ---> that <--- to your mind and heart - OH! it will expand and stretch you in ways you'd sometimes rather not flex; it will demand that you show up as your highest self and that you :
*know how to stand on your two feet,
*know how to hold, comfort, and sooth yourself
*know you are enough,
*know how to validate your experience and regulate your anxieties, fears, and deep emotions,
*know how to be vulnerable, open, and be seen and see another - and -
*know that disappointment is inherent, inevitable, and a possible gateway to more depth and growth! (that is, if you can stand it, and if the other person you are with, is willing and able to work with it too!)

It takes a whole lotta strength to tolerate - as in withstand - bear and endure, someone else's love and love itself (growth).
Especially, when we get deeply entwined; especially, when that loved one does not move at our pace, rhythm, or liking.

NOW - the internal strength, tolerance, stretch - that - .Y.E.S. - challenges my capacities - paradoxically teaches me to be patient, to understand and hold, to go deeper and be fearless, and THAT : feels amazing!
That - strength becomes internal support and soothing comfort for my growing pains; it opens me to hope, softness, leverage, trust in life and love, wisdom, willingness, steadfastness, courage, passion ....

20 years ago my definition of love was narrow (the freaky thing is I know you will relate!). I wanted to be the only person in another person's life! I thought love meant that we'd have to feel the exact same things (at the exact same times) and that, in particular, that person had to feel towards me exactly what I felt towards them! That if I thought of them 650 times a day, they'd have to think of me at least 650 (preferably more!) That they should never want to do anything that would jeopardize our relationship (i.e. doing things without me, growing, exploring ... ) and that if they ever needed anything, it should only me that they ask and only me giving them what they needed!

I know : horrific, exhausting, narrow, immature, and yes founded in beliefs of absolute lack, fear, anxt, and control. I am really just naming and not diminishing who I've been or how I used to see the world. It is with love that I hold every bit of my life (no matter how hard! Hint, hint : it takes strength!)

I am glad my definition of LOVE expanded! - .Y.E.S. - the process has sometimes been so painful that I thought (more like sworn) I would never love again. Others that I would be incapable, unable, or unwilling to love again. Today, I realize that - even in those moments - (of course love was holding and breathing me) but - to the best of my ability - I was also loving!

I say get to it! Get strong, go deep, and go for it : LOVE! Love deep, openly, and love well!

<3 and these two recent reads inspired this blog :
Passionate Marriage by David Schnarch, M.D.
El Poder de la Autodependencia by Dr. Jorge Bucay

SHE dances in delight*

2011-10-10T20:00:00.005-04:00

In the so called desert of my existence; in the very wasteland, the darkness, the void; in the parts of myself that I deem lost, useless, dry, and intentionally do so much to change, get away from, not feel, not own, disown, not want ----> right there <---- at the center : an oasis of light, fertility, movement, aliveness, desire, and longing - unaltered- vibrates.

-light cannot exist without non-light - (Frits Perls)

Imagine for a moment that there is no such thing as shadow - but only stuck light
- -and- -
this light, when stuck - due to trauma, lack of support, growth ... slows, freezes, halts, even deadens parts of us (physically, emotionally, mentally).

Sometimes it will cause the very opposite effect : we will feel so much, too much - I heard a wise man say : that pain is a compassionate gesture so that we actually listen, see, feel, hear, taste, and return to our senses - the very place of resource.

Firtz Perls expressed that, what is left unfinished will (re-)emerge and that returning to our senses, is returning to life!

Our senses teach us about ourselves and the environment and provide priceless navigational information. They are expansive windows into the depth of feeling and knowing life, our power, and potential. They are a gift to see, feel, smell, taste, and hear our experience and life fully!

Contrary to thought - the paradoxical theory of change reminds me that change is happening whether I am aware of it or not and that in order to actually change : I need to fully relax into myself NOW, in this moment, and stop fighting myself or trying so damn hard to change!

In the moments when I open and embrace myself fully (hug myself until I relax) I sense again my heartbeat, movement, the flow of my aliveness, my process, possibility, potential ------> my *LIGHT*

(... and the *lights* come on!)

Contact <-> withdrawal : expansion <-> contraction : inhale <-> exhale
Rhythm, beat, growth, life - all present NOW!

Remember - no natural animal or plant exists that will prevent its own growth - (Frits Perls)

NOW : step fully into your *light* and *de*light*

in-timacy

2011-08-29T13:16:00.019-04:00

In Latin the word for intimacy is intimus; the root "inti" means interior and "mus" means to expose what is characteristic of one's self.

I laughed about how the word intimacy in Spanish : intimidad, secretly holds the word timidity. Being intimate (can) quickly put us in timid mode; especially, when those things we try so hard to move away from, hide, deny, and disown, naturally (want to) show up!

It has been hard - yet so rewarding to (try to) understand, keep in mind, make space for - in my body and interactions - (yes! through constant work) that intimacy is not (about) existing in (perpetual) agreeance (in gestalt therapy lingo forced confluence) with someone else.

Intimacy is about having the courage, honesty, and clarity to show up fully. To dare, and take the necessary risks, to show up as who I am and know myself to be in each moment, as I simultaneously meet and receive another person fully.

The space between us is : intimacy ~

Meeting, connecting, coming in contact (not (only) physically but emotionally) with another, while remaining as present and anchored in my experience (i.e., all that I sense and feel, all that I am aware of in that moment and consider all that I remain unaware of) means I show up, with a naked soul.

Once at that intersection, it is about remaining as open as possible to receive another person fully. This is not about erasing who I am, what I feel, know, need, but actually about making and holding space for -both- of our most personal existences to, in one moment , space, and connection have permission to breathe, be, and live.

Intimacy is both - the murky and blooming terrain - where not only deep joy, connection, and exquisite healthy merging happen (i.e. when we momentarily and deliciously feel safe enough to forget our boundaries), but where differences are felt, recognized, not hidden, necessary, and ideally embraced and allowed to exist and freely play in the open. Differences provide us with new perspectives, new truths that help us expand!

Coming close (to ourselves and others) not only has the potential to nourish us, but certainly to challenge and push us our boundaries of discomfort ---> paradoxically, it is by going to our edge of discomfort, with awareness and mindfulness, that we meet expansion no matter how intense it may feel.

It is in relating to, negotiating, and repairing moments - that we grow, learn to be response-able, meet, see and are seen. It is in those moments that we learn about LOVE and all its dimensions.

Lately, I have fallen prey to my deep desire to really get better at loving others and myself. To get better at love!

And - for that to happen - I feel how painful disappointment, limitations, being missed, not seen, and not gotten are necessary. And it is necessary that I learn to live them, tolerate them, and hold them better and with more love each time.

Additionally, trusting that these places are not always dead ends is fundamental, and believing that they can be the very place of fullness, of turning things around, of radical transformation and growth allows me to take the next step with grace.

After being deeply disappointed the other day, I meditated, I held my pain and allowed my tears to fall - and it was when I sat up straight, still, and allowed it all to fall in my mind that I felt my body open and internally move - falling felt like flying - and dissolvent tasted of deep salty freedom.

No doubt, disappointment is a powerful solvent : it dissolves and opens any rigid boundary of unhealthy patters : yes! you are going to feel (for real!) and you will also feel real!

In that moment, when time stopped, I simultaneously felt (it) the most alive I had felt (it) in hours. Out of gravity the desire for life beat my heart and in my mind's eye two of my favorite Indian goddess arose in and from the mud - Kali & Chinnamasta!

Both, in their own ways, dissolve (expand) time, and beliefs; both use their axes to cut through time, beliefs, and things - sometimes mercilessly, others gracefully. They are the spaciousness of nothingness and its indescribable totality.
They are the fertile void. The churning of darkness and light. They are that space where things dissolve into and re-emrge out of.

ALl that dissolves, opens, and runs free giving way to new possibility, new (re-)organization, and new order.

I deeply and quietly SMILED and loved, not only myself, but you as you are right now! I felt in my veins, heart, and skin - inside and out - how, no matter what I go through, an abundance of LOVE is ever-present longing to be felt, lived, and expressed!

I do not have to ~just~ sit

2011-08-12T18:00:00.011-04:00

One of the beautiful and empowering things that inspires me about being an adult is that I am free to choose HOW I respond to what arises in my experience and environment. Remembering this supports me; especially, when it gets hard and lonely*

After some practice and repetition -now- when I think I have no choice available to me, I quickly remember that no choice is a choice, then, even a tinny choice (step) feels (is) huge! And when I become stubborn insisting there is none, I often encourage myself to say out loud, "I won't do ... " instead of, "I can't do" and that stimulates the unmovable!

I love that quote, about there being no such thing as a small thing; sometimes, even the smallest choice mobilizes me from within and opens me to a sense of freedom, despite feeling / or bumping into (my) limitations!

Is there such a thing as growing up? I doubt it more and more each day! My mistakes and successes are honest feedback and guides. Life unfolds, and I, an organic living vulnerable process in it, in constant change and transformation : alive! (and on most days I can honestly say : doing the best I can.)

*So, the other day, I was living through something so uncomfortable that I was forced to remember that : I do not have to *just sit* passively and patiently with the things that happen and / or I create. I felt as though splashed with fresh water and lightly shaken. Remembering that I (can) take action for myself liberated me and opened me to new possibilities : inside and outside of myself! It is amazing how some situations will make me forget this and more!

*When an interaction leaves me feeling unfinished; or when I say something I didn't mean or wanted to express differently; or when I am left to anxiously sit awaiting a response and not getting one, and/or wishing I could have thought, in that moment that is now past and separated by time and space, to say, do, express something else or respond differently ...

I do not have to sit on my anxiety and keep forgetting to breathe and open to my excitement, aliveness, and desire.
I do not have to grow my resentment when I can grow and appreciate the orchids that are now open and dying in such poetic ways.
I do not have to swirl in my confusion to the point of forgetting which side is up and which is down.
I do not have to date sadness forever.
I do not have to let anger take me on an involuntary ride and be dropped off in a lonely part of town.
I do not have to stray away from my joy and feel hopelessly devoted to victimhood ...

I can choose to take action, and yes, this is a risk, yet it is, on most occasions, a wise risk because it often initiates a shift in my experience and reopens me to my ability to be free functioning and spontaneous.

* Here is the caveat * when I mobilize my knowing, resources, skills, and risk speaking up, try to repair, reconnect, or connect with another, and do this for my tranquility and for me to breathe deeply knowing that I showed up in the way I want to, in a way that honors my authenticity in that moment and grants me a sense of wearing my integrity well - THEN - it is all fine, safe, satisfying (even in the midst of being disappointed) and empowering (even if I have to meet loss)
---BUT *WHEN* ---
I take action as a strategy to manipulate and/or harbor a secret compartment with neatly folded expectations and assumptions that, my coming forth will definitely create a certain result in the other end and all this will help me get what I want from another (usually hoping someone else gives me something I have to learn to give myself) - THEN - I am doomed : I have secretly set the other and myself up for failure! No free functioning, spontaneous behavior can be supported!

And - YES - I do not deny the ecstatic joy that I feel when I take a risk of being vulnerable, honest, and transparent ----> and it actually inspires and helps another do the same. The taste and opportunity to experience repair is intoxicating and magical in its expansive result to melt patterns and history! Inter-relational repair is a gift of connecting to another; we accomplish so much more when we work together and go deeper into our hearts!

*When we experience something pleasurable, something that feels "free" in its functioning, authentic, and spontaneous, the "healthy" parts of us will desire to organically magnetize towards that, like leafs reach towards the sun.
On the other hand, the parts of us that block, interrupt this free functioning organic process of wanting to move towards things, people, situations ... are worth understanding, learning from, and worth supporting into new behaviors and more growth (usually through some sort of challenge!)
Those are the parts that will insist you stay in your hole, sitting with your angst and resentment, just resisting life and its openings, and repeat that you can't / should not mobilize yourself.

I do not suggest that everything we resist needs to be challenged or changed : there is also wisdom in what we resist! ----> knowing the difference is knowing ourselves, discovering ourselves in each moment!

I am here to remind you today : do not just sit!

desire

2011-08-10T14:00:00.002-04:00

The endless stream of our desires heals us and points us towards more life - even via making mistakes!
(Lets' quickly get this out of the way : mistakes are inevitable and a necessary part of growth).

Our desire, desires us and our desires are crucial nourishment to our overall sense of wellbeing and inner bouoyancy. They are the motor that runs our "want" and propels our participation; they are the ticket and permission to fully penetrate life and in the same way to fully be opened by it.

Desire is our abundant fullness. It is the beating of our heart. The very breath that fills you, breathes you, and is you.

We often forget, or easily disconnect from how potent our desire and ability to desire is. Tucked away like an old sweater; stacked on the shelf, it soon blends into the background - moving towards stagnation and infertility - while the foreground of our life soon stiffens, looses lubrication, humor, heart, and it becomes tasteless, insipid, and shapeless.
(Now, another entry will be about how even that process is necessary, healthy, needed to refuel all engines! - but for now I stay with this .... )

.... so, we easily coil and forget the abundance of life; its radical possibilities and potency. We forget how our longing is a powerful trigger, a conduit, the permission for manifestation to stand up, and the incessant love our desires have towards us!

Think about those days when you say, or feel, as though you want nothing (and I certainly do not mean out of contentment); that you do not feel magnestized with, toward anything, -------> yes : we become down, depleted, mopey, collapsed, and sad; mainly, because so much energy (desire) is being internally depressed that our outer form, life, energy easily follows!

Desire brings us to life; therefore it enlivens us.

Sit for a moment; connect with your ability and freedom to desire. Bathe in it! -FULLY- and leave no space unattended.

If (today) this feel foreign (or if you are in the mood to heighten your sensations, awareness, insight) say out loud : "I am desire." It is surprising how readily accessible it is to feel if / when you fully participate and take ownership!

Feel the fuel and surge of your energy. How much do you desire? What do you desire? Will you ever stop desiring?
Notice your body, your senses, your skin, your belly ...

Encourage and support yourself to feel and have your WANT fully -- fully --- no reservation, (as a teacher says) as if you were 5 and desired a bicycle in the month of June - just want UNCONDITIONALLY.

Observe this carefully because we (all) have a rather skillful strategy and tendency to shut down our want by arguing, complaining, giving up, and conclude that since we won't get it, we might as well not even feel it! YET when we do this, we miss out on so much of life! So much fuel, so much energy - life energy : important for us to feel, weather we get things or not!

Our want is our passion, our natural authentic spontaneous genuine openness to the world! Desire inspires us, directs us, awakens us, moves us!

-

In the tantric tradition, I am invited to see myself as nothing but desire! Desire as the very expression of life, of spirit, of the goddess that wanted my life so badly - and clearly me - that she went through so much trouble to create so many stories and entangled so many people together for me to be here today!

In gestalt therapy an important component is to reconnect with our genuine needs, not what we were told to want, not what our parents want for us or wanted - but our genuine NEEDS AND WANTS! When these run uninterrupted in our awareness we become fluid, we regulate our sense of being better, and we become healthier!

-

So : my life wants nothing more than for me to be me!

Let's get really good, and I mean skillful and virtuous at knowing what we want!
The energies of love and desire never leave us; we leave them (only in our experience). Our desire is intelligent and points us towards something (more of us, more fulfillment, more fullness) -

Taste your desire directly; feel it fill you, it is alive, you are alive, it is vital and juicy, fluid and wanting. It is nothing but spontaneous because at every breath it shows up differently!
(It is important to mention that there is a big distinction between doing what we want and doing whatever we want! What I mention has nothing to do with being unconscious, disconnected, not responsive, of stemming from unaware behavior)

When we allow ourselves to fully state what we want, we tap into spontaneity, because we will jump : I want this, and I want that, but I want it this way, and that way, and not that way .... ever changing wants - we feel spontaneous rather quickly - and we have reservations - because since we feel young again we fear we'll begin acting childish, irresponsible, and careless. Make space, you have a bigger space right now to hold all you want than when you were three, and allowing yourself to fully experience this does not mean you will not show up to work tomorrow.

Our experiences plus the implications of our experiences affect our life. Desire is our drive, you can count on it not giving up on you! Desire is endless, it keeps unfolding, pouring, expressing, living, wanting, turning, churning, vesting, longing ...... your life wants YOU

There is something bigger than you - let's start with the obvious
the sky, the earth, the oceans, YOUR DESIRE!

Paying attention to yourself is an expression of love. And wherever you are at, you are worthy of your attention!

The details remain intimately tucked away, imprinted in speechless corners : the places where love lingers in and where only orchids bloom from. Regardless this is an invitation for you to : FEEL!

smile! (as my beautiful j* pointed out after staying draped in desire -) Desire : I can rest in my bed for 10 minutes or so, feeling my desire fully, reserving my need to share it, and realize my desire is aliveness.

To our radiance : to our desire!
I want you to want yourself!

the only thing instant is instant coffee!

2011-07-11T13:40:00.000-04:00

growth is not instant : it takes and begs time
~travels it, bends it, and twists it~

it does not happen on command;
although, it happens overnight

it longs for integration ~ that is ~
for us to, not only gain insight, yet live and be it

growth loves dexterity and eloquence
it wants our mind, heart, and body to be on the same page

it navigates all currents, as it deepens the flavors of life
reveals pain and delight, challenge and success

it brings forth aliveness, as it dances with anxiety and excitement
it seeks fullness and moves us towards it

growth is inevitable and life's nature
when expansion is halted, disease (uneasiness) happens

it feels new, unknown, even weird at times
it will even make us look physically uneven through various stages of our life
a bigger nose, eyes, a bigger torso, and not yet fully developed legs or hands

it will expose our limitations and take us to the edges of radiance

it will show us with compassion
that we can be very mature and put together in some areas of our life
and a mess in others - only as an opportunity, as an opening, for us to catch up ~

growth paradoxically reveals that perfection is not about symmetry
but about balance; about opening to each moment as it is and
resting on each moment's unstoppable desire to become more

sit, breathe, open, and feel

what is true today

2011-07-04T16:38:00.008-04:00

is that the orchids insist, float, open, and remain curiously present

that they fear not disappearance
and as they dismantle themselves, shamelessly, they whisper return

that your kiss is a promise of hope that entered my soul
and like a drop of water vanished in the sand

that ~as i danced barefoot, today, my heartbeat extended to the edges of freedom

that the wind and sun hold me, and my breath is a source of support

that i still long to know patience and i often forget i am enough
and not the cause of everything that happens around me

that i love rather quickly, easily, and romantically
and that it is as quickly, easily, and romantically that i weep

that i can get better at listening : just listening

that i want to look into your eyes again
sit on that bench and feel you again, today

Finding Sexy

2011-06-14T07:47:00.004-04:00

I have been having fun with this : hope you find it equally inspiring!

I was at Elena Brower's class this week where she shared DOING THINGS OVER-

Basically, what it boils down to is : in any situation where you say or do something that you do not like, just say out loud, "I did not like how that came out of my mouth, I am doing it over right now! ~

* you obviously can do this JUST for yourself *

I love the potency and simplicity of this!

I believe that if we practice this collectively, we can expand into more greatness and I'll tell you why.

For ONE : THIS teaches us (and others) that there is such a thing as REPAIR!

Often times relationships fall, people become estranged because there is no hope in repair. With this said, let's also honor that -yes- sometimes there can be no repair!

Imprinting the possibility of repair in our nervous systems is something that we all need (more of?).

Most of us did not have parents who could, after getting frustrated, turn around and say, "Even though I got frustrated, you did not deserve for me to talk / scream at you in that way -- AND -- I am sorry!"

Imagine hearing that as a child?
If you did, you were (are?) very lucky!

For those of us that did not hear things like this; well, this is the beauty of self-growth and awareness : it is "curative!" (for lack of a better word; nevertheless, poignantly needed!)

~ AND ~

Although the nervous system takes (sometimes) years to heal and to (re-)construct a new pathway, it does it : it happens. Remember - there is no magical transformation only a constant re-grounding ourselves.

Integration takes time - and insight, although powerful, is not enough! We all have to do constant work! And although our spirits are perfect, intact, ever-luminous and radiant : we all need to work on our personalities!

You are a process : not a structure!

* You'll find this interesting :
Recent attachment theory studies show that children who have an overall sense of feeling safe in the world and trusted being in relationship had mothers who were - so called - good enough (***notice they were not called perfect!***)

These children existed in relation to another as fluid and spontaneous beings; displaying across the board as less anxious and had less tendencies to catastrophize, had less irrational fear about relationships and things just falling apart and / or abruptly ending because of a mishap.

The children of so called perfect mothers felt unsafe - and this was a surprise to researchers. They did not have a somewhat consistent sense of safety in their body's and in the world; ironically, not that different from those children who had mothers that were clueless and / or absent in responding to their child's needs!

The so called good enough mothers were attuned - that is - they picked up signals (i.e. body language, expressions, gazes, disappointments, anxiety, fear ....) from their children as they related to them, did something about it, and simultaneously were aware of their experiences.

Additionally and importantly, they apologized when needed - AND - this taught children about repair in relationship (which impacts relationship to self, others, and the world).

They basically did it OVER and repaired the relationship / moment again and again!

By owning their mistakes, they taught their children to be at ease and not fear or panic when an "imperfect moments and / or self-characteristics" arose.

Children also learned to be - through modeling (observing and imitating) about and to be accountable, reliable, and become more fluid and response-able beings!

***So know that doing it over or an apology - can be - the gateway and possibility to repair -- and repair -- is - an invitation for more depth, more connection, more realness, more intimacy, more e x p a n s i o n.

Lastly, doing it over - teaches us to find more ease moment to moment and within ourselves and to show up as real people. It expands our limited meaning of the word perfection!

You are perfect now! When you (feel you) mess up : clean it! Exercise your power, your essence, your entitlement with grace, skill, refinement, and discernment --- Influence your life and moments with greatness!

.... Elena also added that the other thing she was doing was MAKING IT FUNNY ~

I can tell you an interesting observation as I combined both things : *if you mess up ; do it over, and go overboard ; make it funny. Now that is ---------------------> SEXY!

Humor lubricates the soul!

ask : want - whatever you do, do not stop!

2011-06-10T17:57:00.014-04:00

Recently, at a Gestalt Therapy workshop, love became a central theme. I think it often is no matter what we call it or how it shows up! Our ability, or lack thereof, to want and desire came up a lot. Today, in my contemplation I add : asking to the mix.

Our desires and our asking for help - are endless reservoirs - and - sources of healing power. In different ways, they offer us and / or reveal to us life's spontaneous unfolding. Our spontaneous unfolding.

They open us to the promise of knowing there is direction and continuous redirection as well as possibilities in our lives, and with in that, more depth and profundity in our feeling repertoires.

Our desires and ability to ask are sheer expressions of (our) potency and aliveness.

~

I recall being 5 or 6 and how when I wanted something, I did so : fearlessly. Fearless : not as the absence of fear - but facing it face to face when it shows up! I think I knew to do this with more skill back then!

I asked unconditionally and often lay (it seems) closer to hope. I was (more) open, innocent, shameless and free when it came to wanting and asking for ... (even asking for help!)

I wanted or asked for the sake of asking and / or wanting and was - certainly - not (as?) preoccupied with the outcome!
Certainly - not getting them - was not a stop sign for my longing, wants, desires, and ability to ask for .....

~

Most of us - with honorific skill -quickly block and / or interrupt our desire, wants, and / or ability to ask - we tango with pride, logic, and insecurity.

*** I am certainly not suggesting you are going to get whatever you want or ask for - however - you will get something, so remember to ask and want the HIGHEST!***)

I do suggest that regardless of you getting something - your desire, want, and asking alone are powerful sources of lively energy. EXCITEMENT : an endless well of radiance, fullness, and life!

We cut off from this well every time we conclude : why want, desire, ask for, when I will not get!

It is true and it will continue to be true : we will be set on random and unexpected blind-dates with disappointment. Still disappointment(s) - although painful - need not faze us or send us into that steady dance where we mentally try to negotiate with the universe!

~

I am aware that when I give myself no permission to desire, want, or ask for and block / interrupt any of these processes with logic, assumptions, anticipations, projections, unnecessary conclusions that deplete my sense of safety, joy, or okaynness, or revisits that heavy catalog of catastrophic thinking, I stray away from hope, from wishes, and from possibilities!

I miss out on : aliveness, juiciness, fluidity, authenticity, potency : I miss out on the precious energy of life.

~

Desire, wanting, and asking are dimensions of radiance and innocence; they cover me with sweetness and tenderness, with genuine openness.

It is prudent to make a side note that -no- it is not possible to - always be plugged in (it would be like a perpetual inhale!) - remember this is not about getting it right once and for all - but about living, about being in our individual and human process!

About meeting each moment fully and choosing wisely, freely, and YES occasionally making mistakes and living through the things we choose and the ones we do not choose! Sorry : there is no secret potion to become omnipotent : we are human remember!

Sit in your desire, want, and ask ---------------> your life!

desire

2011-05-31T22:30:00.002-04:00

do not stop wanting
regardless of you getting something or not

WANT
DESIRE

feel yourself
live yourself

fully

r a d -i- a n c e

2011-05-17T21:28:00.004-04:00

..... the radical dance of my heart .....

THAT moment to listen

2011-04-30T13:35:00.005-04:00

These last days, I have paid attention to the unnecessary tension I (can) create in my experience, when I go on a frenzy of wanting things to move quicker, be different, shift, change, or show up in a specific way, time, and place ...

My sweet, but nonetheless stubborn pushing is filled with good intentions, and that does not erase how exhausting it gets! (I am sure not only for me, but for those around)

*** I guess it is safe to say that you too want to shine, be good, be great, be seen, be so loved that you are swept away? ***

~

My experiment was rather simple, not always easy, but like anything that brings my awareness back to my direct experience : it was always informative!

~

WHEN I caught myself pushing, wanting something to show up in a specific way (i.e. the subway, attention, ...) I felt the amount of tension and energy I spent or was about to spend in wanting to control what is out of my control.

I saw this as "unnecessary tension" because I was not directing that energy to my advantage, as internal support, when I could certainly choose that!

THAT energy could fill me instead of exhaust me.

I paused (i.e. my thought, my agitation, my gesture, my word, my striving, pushing, and stride). And every time I paused, I drew in a decadent and luxurious deep swelling breath.

I made a conscious choice to stay so full, e x p a n s i v e, so calm, that I felt the most magnificent nuances as I exhaled.

With each exhale, I not only felt myself descend into my legs, but I felt as though I traveled though layers. I felt my bones and I felt myself sink into the ground as my heart lifted.

The more grounded I became, the lighter I felt.

I realized that this aligned me beautifully with my heart; I knew THEN, that THAT was the moment to listen, see, feel, hear, and taste ~

AND ~

every twist, hope, word, gaze, longing for more or less softened, as every detail in that moment turned magically perfect.

I swear I saw spontaneity walking by, and by the way, she is drop dead gorgeous!

This explains how I feel

2011-04-29T16:33:00.001-04:00

Just ~

2011-04-17T23:01:00.007-04:00

Open to your breath
the moment
this moment
your moment

No amount of kale, sit-ups, yoga, avoiding chocolate, feelings, or situations
will ensure that things will be in the right place or stay right all the time

Think of all the ways in which you invest in this magical thinking,
how it interferes your process, and gets in the way of you doing :
what you need to do in each moment

Just for now :
know what you need

Accept, swallow, taste, hold, embrace, wear, feed, be
your wishes, needs, skills, longings

Be in touch with yourself and reality

Just ~

given to ~

2011-04-15T17:28:00.000-04:00

dive the lines of your still unknown face
live folded in its contours

wrestle enamoured
and sweetly brush the edges of your lips, eyes, and thoughts

each breath
a leap towards this
love affair we are bound to fashion

each step
a thread of deliberate innocence

given to ~ be
entangled

legs
hips
lips

tenacious heart
beat

breathe me
shape me
churn me

for a moment given to ~
the immortal as I hold your hand and look straight into your heart ~

how

2011-04-14T21:45:00.003-04:00

orchids grow

i n t e r r u p t i n g

2011-03-15T12:00:00.001-04:00

... As we go about our day, we may catch or notice that while we interact with another, we often - out of the blue- change the subject &/or become distracted when the conversation is not about us, or when we receive a compliment ...

We are swept away to the land of not being very kind to ourselves (i.e. i suck, if i only did not feel this ... that...)

These are ONLY a few ways in which we interrupt the moment, interrupt being present, and/or interrupt meeting ourselves and/or another ~ shall i really say : this is how we miss out? ~

* it is important to remember (because we do forget)
((oh eddie vedder you are right : he who forgets is destined to remember))
that when we do this most of the time without awareness & that we are not necessarily doing this on purpose, but, actually, these were strategies that we creatively came up with in order to protect ourselves from feeling uncomfortable/unpleasant feelings (all ranging from mild to extreme)* ((sometimes even comfortable/pleasant ones))*

Now that we know this happens - become curious :
spend the rest of your day diving into your awareness & body
(notice : now i am feeling this, now i am thinking this, now i want this)
~ do this even while you interact with a friend

notice :
when do you interrupt or feel tempted to interrupt the conversation
how do you interrupt what you are feeling when you interrupt
when do you change the subject
how do you become distracted

when we learn to see (without judging) our inhibitions and interruptions we see clearly what we choose in each moment

so : yes this happens and it is not a burden but actually an opportunity to reveal more authenticity, to become more fulfilled, to free ourselves more and more and more ....

bring resistances to life : let them speak

l i s t e n

this is the way to reintroduce into our life, mind, body, heart energy that we have locked away and paralyzed
~ excitement that has been hostage as depression

access life energy, creative potential, spread like an open field to the richness of each moment,
the fluidity of yourself (now i am this, now i am that .... and that, and this, and ohhhhh! that!)

unrealized potency

2011-03-01T15:38:00.003-05:00

healing

2011-02-11T15:28:00.004-05:00

very hard to remember
that ~every time~
I talk with someone
a lot unfolds

we merge, collide, draw closer, deeper, and further apart

all simultaneously

my feelings and their's,
my history and their's,
my beliefs and their's,
my needs and their's,
my expectations and their's

all rests on vast mystery

somewhere in silence
an opportunity to open exists

a u t h e n t i c i t y

2011-01-25T14:21:00.017-05:00

No matter how far away I run to; no matter how elaborate or simple the story or role I make pretend to play, my authenticity is a relentless warrior goddess, one quite faithful in her quest and chase.

I find it sometimes ironic, others just ordinary and beautiful that we need help, support, guidance, personal work, and permission to be and become who we are.

When not allowed expression, authenticity dangles and rattles every ornament and branch on the tree! And ~ when trusted and given permission to be ~ it blossoms into courage and breathes life (healthy rage) back into our hearts. It teaches us to listen, pause, and know what action is needed. It renders us humble even when we know the power of our strength. It folds us to honor and live in accordance with the needs of our bodies, hearts, and minds. It shows up as art, and elegant desire. It refines our response-ability by opening our eyes to the impact we have on others and/or in the world. It opens us and evokes our will. It soften us to the presence of our vacillating impermanence and teaches us to the see the beauty of our freedom. It patiently teaches us to feel without making our feelings good or bad and teaches us to allow others to have and express their feelings. It develops our ability to tolerate disappointment's many unwanted visits and becomes proud when despite not always being met, seen, loved, or liked, we still sit up tall.

We benefit form remembering that growth sometimes looks and feels odd, uncomfortable, and is incongruous. Making room for authenticity and becoming intimate with it is part of growth! Intimacy is not agreeing with one another, it is transparently showing up with all that you are and feel as you make space for the another to do the same!

Yes! all of this and more erects our internal support, our ability to be present to ourselves and others : and all of this and more, opens the gift of permission and feeds our spirit, as it guides our authenticity into expression.

Now we can have compassion for ourselves and passionately say : no wonder sometimes I've delayed taking action and get in my way. No wonder sometimes I've depressed, literally pressed feeling down and away as if to make pretend they do not exist! And I see that an unintended consequence of this action often leaves dreams, outlooks, desires, movements, and body parts lifeless, infertile, denied, silent, and paralyzed.

Yet in the depths, in the dark fertile void of being there is a part (call it what you may), I sometimes like to call it : true self, others : personal truth, others still : soul, and others : an orchid! Regardless of how you name it, or how you relate to it, this part of you, not only, deserves reverence and moments of deep sensed and felt appreciation. Despite all odds, this part is not only resilient, but it leaves some parts untouched, intact, pure, authentic! And no matter how shriveled we may become at times, this part in us faithfully remembers how to EXPAND and responds rather quickly to the fertilizer of permission.

Basically, one way of giving yourself permission right now, is to say (and I strongly suggest saying this out loud and feeling your body's response for many reasons maybe one day I will write about that), anyway say this or your own version of it, "I am ok right now, as I am, with all that I am feeling or not feeling, with all that is happening in my life and not happening. Even if I do not feel it or know it, I am ok. I am enough."

Wait, hear, and feel. Hold, own, appreciate. You are here!

Yes! Sometimes I have experienced myself expanding delicately and discretely; others this process has felt more like I've cracked open in dramatic ways and even blasted into scattered pieces. Yet I now know that my essence is so faithful and authentic that it will always make its way out, it will make its presence known because it wants me. It will make me feel and look as disturbed as a male elephant. It will wake up from the depths of my being and navigate through thickness as it glides through darkness - pulses in stillness, and even when it will seems quiet, heavy, and muddy, it will await an impulse to propel itself out. It wants me to be me. It desires me so much that (like Dr. Douglas Brooks has shared) it came up with a lot of stories and people to allow me to be here today!

Gestalt Therapy, yoga, and meditation teach me that every moment I breathe and become aware of it, I land authentically in the present as me, yes often with a rather long list of feelings, one that looks more like a credit list at the end of a movie!

Being authentic means that I am in constant change and transformation and always expanding into more!

When our authentic expression is given permission to exist it dances ecstatically in our internal and external worlds. It collaborates and reshapes us unending. Our personalities will always be here, and most of us (come on! all of us) need to work on our personalities to make room for authenticity to breathe more easefully.

GIve yourself permission to be unfinished and shaped by life, by meetings, by people, and by your heart when it cracks open (it will!).

Next time you catch yourself saying something like :
I should really not be feelings this
I am such and such age by now I should be this, that, and oh that
I never get angry
Sadness is a waste of time
I should be grateful

Press : PAUSE - not record, nor >>, or <<, and with a deep breath expand and soften as you gently bathe yourself with permission to be with whatever emerges then, you can say : "Hello authenticity, you look rather stunning today!"

the seam of my heart

2011-01-06T12:08:00.008-05:00

appears and withdraws
freely

my senses ~

play :
energy :
portals :
expressions :
tentacles :
creativity :
consciousness :

all : an infinite wave of expansive desire

light, darkness
darkness, light

all : uninterrupted coagulated gravity

consistent, inconsistent
inconsistent, consistent

body of life

i dwell on the substance of your thick lubricated silence
on a sphere of love
on this unending process

taste
awaken to it all

seemingly opposites merge

they play and love

alive

i breathe incessant transformation

all ~

a passage:
a state :
a journey :
a heart

all ~

a crossing :
a shift :
a dance :

i am what i seek

fullness is the seam
home my nature

limitless

coming home

2011-01-02T17:04:00.006-05:00

days washed away

memory insisted

perpetual faded pain

the distant lost echo of your face
a blurry horizon line
suspended somewhere

unsure

again : i breathe my skin

m u d r a : the imprint of my heart seals itself in the body and mind of the world

2010-12-16T14:28:00.027-05:00

*** you have probably heard the word - mudra -
and its common translation : imprint, seal, and/or gesture

well ::: in a blissful moment :::
i experienced life, and everything in it, as a mudra!

e v e r y t h i n g ~

... i sat tall and the candle light
kept quiet and to itself,
yet ~ i could not help but feel

its presence lingers on my skin
dwells deep in the blue of my eyes

my hands dance
embrace figurines

meaning

silence came to life
knit itself perpetually in my being

love and its gestures
always accompany me :

the earth breathes me and i too breathed it

the seal of life deep : penetrates and traverses me
leaves a trace in the viscous mud of existence

today, i wear an indelible wound of love
a beauty mark that is particular
a stain that holds itself with the dignity of an orchid
that holds all in this folded heart that endlessly desires

everything imprints, seals, gestures ~

the wind, how it moves, brushes, sweeps, pauses : it holds
water and how it runs, softens, moistens, allows, covers, promotes : it transmits
fire and how it heats, speaks, transforms, erases, fuels, burns, emits : it hungers
earth and how it receives, creates, emanates, supports, generates : it regenerates

the way and quality of my gaze : what i feel - how i walk, sit, hold my spine, integrity, pride, and insecurities

how i manage to translate my rawest emotions into some version of love

every leaf and how it dances through thin or thick air to land on thick concrete
every step, song, word, caress
every uncertain moment and its fertile deep knowing
every downward facing dog, vashistasana : every lotus
lingering flavor, longing, and reoccurring desire

~

today mudras not only feel as imprints, seals, gestures, but as vehicles to experience depth

everything from a yoga pose, to a breath, to an intention, to a thought, to a feeling, to a desire; all ::: a portal to translate the inside world into an outward expression and to root the outward world in the fibers of our being. All ::: a present incessant opportunity to brush against, own, taste, and experience the freedom of our choices, of our commitments, of our imprints, of our authenticity, of our singularity, of our intrinsic connectivity, of our common-union ... ... of our divinity

aftermath

2010-12-14T16:44:00.005-05:00

i am the aftermath of all the ways i have connected
or not
to the world and those around me ~

my body
a process
an organism

soma ::: wholeness ::: experience

my resistances were - once in time - assistances

when i experience another
i experience myself

Preparing for the blast ~

2010-11-11T11:16:00.004-05:00

Days comfortably toy with darkness, quietness, and heaviness, and in my bones, I feel an exquisite tremor!

Both Anusara Yoga and Gestalt Therapy, speak of the importance of tuning into the pulsation of life (i.e. a change in season, the rhythm of the ocean and/or our breath and experience) not only to be in the here and now, but to reveal more awareness and wisdom.

Nature is a mirror for us to contemplate shifts and attune with the course of transformation. The pulsation of change is alive in nature, our breath, experience, thoughts, feelings, and desires; its rhythm is support and guidance.

Outside your window, leaves whisper their color into the wind; they let go of what they knew, and of how they knew themselves; and courageously ***TRUST their process*** as they venture into the fertile void of the unknown.

*what part/s of you is/are like a leaf/leaves?
*what part/s of you can learn to be like a leaf/leaves?

As you come in contact with something that has dropped or is wanting to drop away in your life and/or mind/body acknowledge it! (i.e. I am aware that you are here)

*what serves you?
*what has become rigid stubbornness?

ALL that passed through you this year; all, from the amazing, sweet, and easy : to the challenging, painful, and difficult has revealed more of your authenticity. And authenticity is a river in flux, a pulsation that reveals in each moment : now I am this and this and this, and now I am this and that .... (we are always expanding into more)

Now listen *DESIRE* is longing for you again.

***Now, what do we do with this clear ball of desire?***

Desires are seeds that we plant and need to tend to. They are magical and intelligent. They not only hold, honor, and know their potential, but contain within them (like us) everything they need, and YES (like us) depend on healthy exchanges with their environment to grow.

I stumbled upon a diagram of a seed that resembled (tremendously) the VIRA YOGA logo (two hands in prayer); it was interesting to learn that this "blueprint or alignment" (if you will) serves many functions.

For one, it fastens seeds to their center/heart, and from this center pathways open. One descends to ensure that the parts of the seed/plant that are to anchor into the deep darkness do so. And another that rises to ensure that the parts of the seed/plant that incessantly search for light and open air can venture out fully, freely, to express themselves uniquely.

May we TRUST our desiring process and BLAST expansively into fullness ~ into YOU-NESS

shadow & light : light & shadow

2010-10-11T21:52:00.008-04:00

may i remember the light
and how it holds the dark

how

the dark too is light

may i remember how my spine
folds like this, it curves, it gives me direction
life and twisted possibilities

may i know to reach high

to not forget that sinking is going up
that lost is found
that believing i am done marks only a new beginning

may i seek incessantly my unfolding
like waves unleash their foam

my heart moist sets itself pensive on the horizon of my tongue
my mind penetrates the depths of magic and dives naked into the ocean of my heart

in a state of wonderment, of confused passion, of trusting benevolence
i gasp for air, for light, for love

may i know to breathe, like all does
and know that like any edge, i am impermanent
and permanently affected by change

may i remember i am water, motion, stillness
a sweet poised mark

a rainforest, a drop of love, an ounce of pain
a leaf of unbroken lust

may i water my dreams
and swim in them
like wild dolphins scathe away the lonliness of the night

may i remember that apparent stuckness
dances with immediacy and motion
and water is that which decides the shape of things

water sweet miraculous solvent
inhale and exhale
dance of life
embebed across my spine
shadow and light

think of the shadow

2010-10-09T22:16:00.002-04:00

for everything that you see
know and believe about yourself

there is a TUN unknown to you

next time you say i am not that or
like that

pause (maybe laugh)

it is, you are!

2010-09-23T12:05:00.000-04:00

integrity : integral : integration

2010-09-21T11:13:00.004-04:00

(((although cindy and i agree that the line to the heart is not a straight one and THAT it often unfolds at the pace of the hours of an epic indian myth!!!)))

... i have been contemplating a lot on the difference between making a powerful connection (i.e.: having an aha! moment that allows me to bridge events into a seemingly straighter line)

AND

integrating this connection, awareness, so that it translates into new behavior, into a new pattern, one that honors reverence to my authentic heart

well ::: this difference is -----> H U G E <-----
(*arrows courtesy of jenn*)

*** awareness is a gift ***

AND

integrating behavior, building a new pattern, road, teaching ourselves to open and allow new behavior, new responses to habitual triggers (((often))) an endless endeavor :

(you may benefit from remembering : i do all the time THAT)
there is no magical transformation, nothing to attain, YET learning to live from AND with more awareness : this can mean that we will need CONSTANT remembrance, a continual unfolding of and into the river of life, our emotions, our energy in motion, our breath, our thoughts, all of who we are NOW

HOW DO WE LEARN?

--------------------> by repetition <-----------------------

repetition and patience

patient repetition

repetition and completely forgetting

remember repetition

repetition and falling off the tracks completely

regaining composure and repetition

repetition of love

love of repetition

repetition loving

loving repetition

love and repeat : repeat the love

when the heart is open it (also) hurts

2010-09-18T12:54:00.011-04:00

my heart is open like a tomato
a watermelon
a kiwi

like skin that has been bruised and bleeds

i feel

and how is it not expected that i feel
when my heart is an organism
and organisms are embedded in the environment

an organism (my heart) is a part of the environments i function in

don't matter if the road is long, don't matter if it's steep
don't matter if the moon is gone and the darkness is complete ...
i'd like to quit the business but i'm in it so to speak
the thought of you is peaceful and the file on you complete ...
don't matter if you are rich and strong
don't matter if you are weak
don't matter if you write a song that the nightingales repeat
don't matter if it is 9 to 5 or timeless and unique
you ditch your life to stay alive - a thousand kisses deep -

in this web
the existence of one
is bound up to the existence of others

these ties are not necessarily
broken or chosen

and so confused and filled with questions
after crying, after staying quiet
i wonder off into the forest
the night of unequivocal darkness

she quickly turns to light, sooths my skin
i honor DEEP what i believe in and know to be true

i realign myself and hold that yes : people will do things that do not feel good
that feel like our heart is pounded like meat

i re-integrate
i pause and thank you for the opportunity to clarify how i would like to do things

GROW into new behavior

i find more suited ways to be and feel
more suited ways that breed satisfaction
love and peace

one thing is becoming aware
the other is INTEGRATING behavior
- healthy new behavior must be integrated -

we need to call on ALL of our self to keep it together
to not react impulsively; to see people as they are and cease seeing them as we wish they were
or expect them to show up like we wish they would; or wish they'd express the potential we know they have
but really see WHO they are NOW

when we are integrated
we act with integrity
we are honest and authentic

we may be cruel and unpleasant and that too may be an outgrowth of honesty

as i stated in an old blog :
it is not necessary that we work through all the problems or traumas that we've endured to be healthy
(THANK GOD!)
nor do we need to understand them
nor do we need to avoid making mistakes (IMPOSSIBLE)

but what we have an any moment
is the choice to unfold as an emblem of light
(when we remember, and yes the more we remember, the more we will naturally emanate from there)
(we learn by repetition)

health is when we deal with situations from that place we know is our highest
light

it won't necessarily be easy, but it will make us feel good and at peace

we can never be sure that EVERYTHING will be right
and trying to achieve that is not only USELESS but will interfere with WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE

health is when I KNOW WHAT I NEED

You win a while, and then it’s done –
Your little winning streak.
And summoned now to deal
With your invincible defeat,
You live your life as if it’s real,
A Thousand Kisses Deep

fluidity & participation

2010-09-12T14:26:00.027-04:00

life is fluid no matter how unchanging it can feel
it carves its way through - it flows & participates -

it cracks us open, erodes our rigidities, & shows aspects of us that we hide
that are at time oh so painfully necessary for our growth

life washes away mountains, pain, truths, & the most expensive clothes

it creates & penetrates crevasses
it pushes, moves, & encourages
it molds, welds, & melts our lungs, brains, fibers, cells & hearts

life pushes her way through
sometimes gracefully others forcefully ~
it breeds, it grows, & transforms

(chaos & grace never part ways)

life shows up as dust, lust, bones, flesh, eyes, hands, orchids
moss, rot, presence & absence

like a river
like running water, like a stream, like air, like wind, like love

free it roams & moans : it runs

- chaotic, sweet, melodic, uninterrupted, swelling, orgasmic, determined, silky, smooth, tender, penetrative, vulnerable, perfect, benevolent, unconditional, ever-expanding grace - a free flowing stream of awakened wise desire

magnificent chaos : magic
i often forget that you too are grace & an expansion

chaos is life & life is chaos & creativity is the movement from chaos to clarity : then chaos is a necessary gateway if we want creativity, to clarify our desires, hearts, & show our authenticity

she flows rapidly, easily, & moves
i say either build a canoe or just : hold on tightly, let go lightly

we are free : falling

2010-08-31T19:31:00.011-04:00

As we move into September, i take with me the fun of summer, & it is hard not to! I caught many concerts; my favorite however was seeing Tom Petty & the <3 breakers TWICE (catch them)! I revamped my obsession & it rendered me hungry, so I rented their documentary (netflix-it) & shuffled ALL their songs back into my heart. Now I am (even more) inspired & intoxicated by & with words!

The contagious power & reflection of seeing someone follow their desire, run down their dream, know & set clear boundaries, & not back down has been an encouraging nudge to set deeper into my heart, and as i sink, i deepen my ability to listen, name, see, hear, taste, & feel ... my singing? well it is oh! so bad, yet the best thing i've ever had.

Following OUR heart is a wise choice YET it is certainly no antibiotic against mistakes, stumbles & struggles. Somehow i catch myself still looking for this magic potion & need to remind myself that these are as inevitable parts of life, as are asserting ourselves, learning that no matter what, life carries on, & allowing ourselves full permission to celebrate & embody our freedom. & YES, sometimes, no matter how much we learn, we will continue to feel as though we are learning to fly, but we ain't got wings!

Remember it is not about achieving, but about living : about living fully! So fully that every moment is revealed to you as (part of) growth; so that we KNOW that even when we regress or revert to old patterns, we are moving forward! We learn by repetition!

I ask you : can we regress, stay stuck, feel anxiety, pain, hurt, doubt, & make mistakes without butchering ourselves, with out or with less self-judgment & self-loathing? can we life & its complexity & love ourselves?

♥ WHAT IS LOVE?

Many years ago i had a fantasy of love, & since it is not an uncommon one, for i often hear it from people, i will share it with you, it goes something like this :
when i love, the other must think of me as many times as i think of him & must feel (((exactly))) like i do! Additionally, he must run no risks that ever threaten our relationship & anything that he needs, he should ~ not only ~ ask me for it, but it must be me that provides it for him!

It is hard to encourage & support freedom - especially - as we accept that LOVE in relation to another involves the risk of having THAT someone fall out of love with me, as much as I will run risks that may threaten the relationship or lead me to fall out of love with THAT someone.

I see LOVE as having the ability to hold not only all the beauty, desire, & power, but also disappointment. & because of this, i believe we can learn to cherish UNIQUENESS & AUTHENTICITY. Lets let go then into the great wide open the idea & hope that we will find that ONE thing, person, belief, teaching, teacher, or quest that will give us ALL that we need (((& think about it, but i see this as life being compassionate, generous, & having our best interest at heart!)))

I feel that love : waits, listens, hears, tastes, sees, feels, lives, gives, foments, & encourages. That : it desires space & openness for each person to do what enriches her/him so that authenticity is polished & revealed.

I feel THAT love : it is as soft, engaging, tolerant, & allowing, as it is clear, defined, intolerant, & often ruthless & so real it hurts. Love holds more than one self-interest simultaneously as well as all paradoxes!

♥ CAN I SEE LOVE IN ALL?

Yes, this leads me to share with you that, in any process, waiting is the hardest part.

Side note : did you know that, if Tom had given up & not incessantly played, for more than a week, the only few notes & words that had come to him ~ THAT ~ special song (the waiting) would not have come to be (((at least not like that!))).

So i reflected on ~ how ~ i do not wait; how ~ at times, & in certain situations, poses, or in relation to some feelings or even people : i do not wait (((at all))) & instead of encouraging discovery i rush through, push what seems to not come about fast enough aside, & do not give enough 'waiting' time for shifts, processes, growth, & guess what?
I realize that this is how i miss out on depth, connection, advancement, participation, meeting, & even the abundance of the present that wants to reveal its unending pulsation.

* I constantly remind myself that acknowledging is the beginning of change & to stay present with what is ~NOW~ & follow ~HOW~ it organically shifts and grows. When i remind myself these things, i get a hit of mystery, feel my desires run through me & hear them speak as my inner-wisdom*

I want to see LOVE IN ALL as much as i want an authentic life with ALL its commitment & realness (((it too has its price; everything seems to))). I no longer fall as easy or trick myself into believing that i will 'achieve something' or 'master things.'
WE ARE FLUID : SHIFTING : PROCESSES.
I trust that EACH moment opens me & offers a window of opportunity for realness, to feel & be present, & free to exercise (((endlessly))) all i have passionately learned, teach, & help people find for themselves. I can tell you that I do not want a life where all the music brings is a craving for light beer!

HOWEVER i do KNOW that i want to savor THAT drink with you! I want us to celebrate life, it's depth, mystery, challenges, unfolding, adventure, unpredictability, & magic! I want it - ALL - full, rich, dark, amber, heavy, & light! ALL : and i want to share it with YOU so oh my, my. oh hell yes, you got to put on that party dress!

Let's breathe because the future is wide open & the sky is the limit ♥

sometimes

2010-08-26T14:46:00.007-04:00

i feel like this

open
vast
empty

clouded
sunny
free

releasing
rainy
outspoken

bold
dramatic
turbulent

deep
blue
solid

sandy
porous
moist

in love
lustful
desire~full

quiet
suspicious
innocent

all encompassing
expansive
unpredictable

wishful
impressive
succulent

above all
sometimes i feel
alive

do you have time to breathe?

2010-08-08T12:37:00.003-04:00

when you suggest to yourself

that:

it is a shame you do not have time
to pick up that meditation practice
you convincingly say to yourself
every sunday at 7pm
you will start come this monday 8am

pause

are you breathing?
well, you are meditating ~

now:

pay attention!

~

your breath and desire
are timeless parts of you

so if sitting quiet is too much
randomly pay attention to your breath

on the subway
on the line at the bank
before that next bite
while listening to a song
while taking a shower
(just close your mouth!)

pay attention
& rely on all your senses

taste
feel
smell
listen
see
know

this invites silence
as an internal pause

remember that
silence, like you,
is not still

if you expect silence to be still
you are bound to awaken serious
disappointment and
no wonder you never get to build
endurance in your meditation

silence is alive
it breathes
it creates
it transforms
it moves & shifts

it contracts & expands

just like you

you know

2010-07-11T10:58:00.006-04:00

when

you hear that one word

your heart spins again

when

you feel one touch

and you are brought back into your skin

when

you look one way

and your desire awakens

when

you taste that thing

and you remember

when

you wish one thing

never happen to you

when

you feel pain so deep and frightening

endless and alive

when

you forget words, things, feelings, days, moments, preciousness

when

you feel alarmed

you confuse things

when

you look at a rose in a picture

your mind does not know the difference

when

you enter space

all is the space in between

when

you loose the thread that used to tie your heart to another heart

when

you wake up rested

all is open and free

when

you see yourself do the very thing

you said you were not going to do (again)

when

you give yourself something

you always waited someone else to give you

when

you begin give yourself permission to be honest

when

you make peace with how much

you want and need

... how endless ...

you are here

now

you are

are

you

sometimes

2010-07-11T10:41:00.003-04:00

the heart

feels

heavy

hollow

poise

warm

tender

breathes

sorrow

tomorrow

lust

bows

lavender

tastes

sweat

wine

wonder

dirt

flirt

lingers

in ~wet

in ~books

in ~honey

in ~beliefs

in ~fingers

holds

pain

love

life

dreams

cravings

manifests

words

flowers

moments

torments

laments

walks

through ~time

through ~days

through ~forests

through ~people

through ~feelings

expresses

joy

fear

anxiety

peace

sees

mountains

bodies

stories

worries

openness

knows

the wings it needs ~to

hand in ~to

live on earth ~to

know you ~to

learn ~to

receive ~to

let go ~

too

today i remembered

2010-06-29T16:27:00.004-04:00

inspired by gestalt therapy, anusara yoga, and big mind meditation

we :

people, animals, and plants

have needs that must be met if we are to live

and inevitably :

life, our choices, and all the things we face

will sometimes deplete or replenish us

can you live for the rest of the day, as though everything is an opportunity and permission to refuel and replenish your heart?

whether it is by choosing something or stepping away from it, choose that which refuels and replenishes you

become so familiar with what it means and feels like to you to feel refueled and replenished and seek ways to move towards this (as always hurting as fewer people along the way as possible)

*on the same note, when we have an excess of something we will find ways to get rid of this excess : things, feelings, clothes, thoughts .... i should mention poop (oops)

we do this refueling and/or riding of to seek :

EQUILIBRIUM

equilibrium can be defined in an individual way, for that which feels good for me might not feel good for you, yet it has characteristics, it evokes and opens us to a deep ease, to satiation, completion, wholeness; it softness us, and is a guide for us to delight in the present and surrender to this moment

see

and

notice every organism around you

a person, a dog, a plant : all

vessels and conduits of wisdom

wisdom that gravitates, like a lover to your lips, towards an economy of expression and behavior. This wisdom : a gateway for you to again ~fuel and replenish~ through the wisdom that exists in any (healthy) interaction.

Every organism has awareness.

Fritz Perls wrote somewhere, and i cannot remember where, that awareness is a property of the universe

awareness is the soft wax that binds us together, that increases our sensitivity, and our ability to respond (response-ability).

Perls also expressed that ~e v e r y~ organism needs an environment to exchange essential substances like : air and love

we belong to the universe, we are embedded in our environments, our existences bound to the existences of others, and although we choose many things and create many experiences, we cannot choose (no matter how hard we try) to not relate at all ~ for even a full on denial and refusal to relate : is a relationship

... even after death, we relate; in mysterious ways, yet we continue this relation ...

re~lation

r~elation

what for? to live a fuller more authentic life!

2010-05-28T14:48:00.009-04:00

become aware of

how and what

you are living each moment ~

your stories and mine

our words and what we do physically

is one way in which we come in contact

and make contact with our environment

(where you are right now).

contact : the possibility for growth and for a mind body expansion

notice : how you experience the moment and yourself in the moment

your emotions live in your body and so many remain unknown to you

ask yourself

what and how

see

i and thou

here and now

sometimes also make a statement

instead of asking a question

and notice what you feel

what are you doing

how are you doing it

ever present is

a field (in gestalt therapy terms)

or the possibility to open to grace (in anusara yoga terms)

this oceanic field is :

vast, open, giving, expanding, self-sufficient, unlimited, receptive, regenerative

all

initiates with breath

breath awakens desire and needs

and we participate to get these desires and needs met

know that there is a paradoxical theory of change that holds the possibility that the more you become aware of who you are NOW, the more you can't be the same :

awareness breads change

our resistances to change and life have a purpose

(there is always wisdom in what we resist)

honor and respect your boundaries

- resistances -

and that is how you help grow and expand them

we constantly

seek and create meaning :

wholeness

everything you are is :

ground

you always create figures

we dance

come and reseed

and our needs

organize what we see

when our needs or desires are chronically (perpetually) not met

we carry around : unfinished business

(these stories, words, beliefs, negations, resistances, angers, depressions)

interfere and interrupt the possibility of us

getting our needs met in the moment

outside of what is known to us

in the borders of that town

lives anxiety

(*i found this in a beautiful little notebook - no trace as to where i got it, who from)

the child is looking at the river

it flows fast between the rocks

the child is six

he is dressed perfectly

like a little man

he is puzzled

he stands there not understanding

how his little boat swept away

he says : it's not what you think

he says this because he feels judged

he says that as a reminder :

you don't know me

don't assume you do

vulnerablity

2010-05-08T13:00:00.001-04:00

.... when i see the word responsibility i feel a heaviness that at times

"feels like the right thing to do" other like "a price that comes with adulthood"

however when i see it written as response-ability

(both described like this in gestalt verbatim and by genpo roshi)

i respond to my limited notion of being responsible, and i respond differently to myself and the idea

i connect with my internal ability : i feel easeful : capable - and - even willing

*there is a value in teasing things out ~

after all these tears and fears i sit and ponder on the water : vulnerability

~ vulner-ability ~

what is so terrifying about feeling?

especially, if and when responding also requires feeling?

frankly - when i look at the definition of vulnerability - feeling is portrayed as weakness and its big stain becomes a sincere question mark: why in my right mind would i EVER want to be vulnerable?

(shhh : we are!)

the definition also seem to portray one, as a spineless person, susceptible to being effortlessly swayed and molded! - AND that - has nothing to do with being moved

vulnerable

1. Open to physical or emotional harm; easily hurt, easily wounded.
2. Being extremely susceptible, easily persuadable, or liable to give in to temptation.
3. Unable to resist illness, debility, or physical failure because of weakness physically or psychologically; therefor, susceptible to physical or emotional injury: "All of those who have not been inoculated are vulnerable to the disease."
4. Open to censure or criticism; assailable: "His sister has always been vulnerable to criticism."
5. With the military open to attack or exposed to an attack or possible damage.
6. Etymology: from Late Latin vulnerabilis, "wounding"; from Latin vulnerare, "to wound"; from vulnus, vulneris, "wound".

while finding this unsatisfying and discouraging, i sat feeling and allowing vulnerability to show up and truly teach me. i also read hal and sidra stone

AND i wept. i realized how i dismiss my vulnerability, i resist feeling it

(although i realize i am nothing but a vulnerable creature)

YES - this thing i do, RESIST, AVOID, REJECT, PROJECT, MISTRUST, DISGUST, i do so skillfully - AND YES - i was taught, created my own version - AND YES - sometimes decide to continue responding in that way to my and others vulnerability

YET : i no longer want THAT to be my only response to moments of true connection

- and this means - THAT YES ~ i want to feel it ALL!

(like many), i learned rather quickly and well to employ the strategy of not feeling

(that is making pretend skillfully that i do not care or do not feel anything)

and when feelings would flood me, i solidified my belief of how bad, useless, and chaotic it (i?) was. SO ~ discouragement and a lack of ability to respond in a better way - at the time - lead me to build a fortresses where no stone emotions would penetrate me (so i thought and hoped)

YET ~ in back of the wall, while seemingly numb. i felt so much, it too was numbing.

NOW i had to deal with - not only feeling - BUT the pain and rage that resistance erects, the pain loneliness swells, the pain victimhood opens

(NOW i had TWO PROBLEMS!!!)

i accept my impermanence - it is still HERE, and will certainly not go anywhere without me.

i accept my fears, resistances, sensitivity, AND the fact that ~

i feel therefore i hurt -

AND i can feel joy, bliss, and liberation AND HOLD these paradoxes as they dance together - for a coin does not only have one side ( - you know it! - )

((you can choose to only want one side, only see one side, and only force it to land on one side. AND when it lands on the other, you can even choose to stop playing, or quickly pick it up and land it on the side that allows you to see only the side you want to see))

(((your load is still there - somewhere - and it certainly peeks out)))

as a child and teenager i was often called sensitive :

"you are so sensitive" i was told, because i cared and hurt; i've grown to be cynical about the word and accept that YES i am sensitive, as a receptive being. i do get hurt and love. yet it is also true that sometimes i am JUST sensitive to the word sensitive, and THAT is how i choose to respond!

AND JUST as i am sensitive, i sometimes also to not give a shit

AND ~ as this paradox balances, i live from fullness, health,

and free choice; i exercise my response - my ability to know and discern when it is appropriate to be vulnerable AND when it is appropriate to not give a shit! (talk about refinement!)

and YES : every moment is unique AND not because you cared once, you will care again ...

*there is room for the totality of our being ~

deep with in us is our - unknown and often disowned - vulnerability; it is a vulnerable innocence that teaches us and develops our ability to embody and own : our sensitivity and fear

our ability to be receptive to others and ourselves AND our ability to wisely warn us of danger

when i dare spend time with my vulnerability by saying out loud

I AM VULNERABLE

i feel and recognize that my feelings are easily hurt and i connect with the sweetness and tenderness around fearing being abandoned

i can point out the numerous strategies i have to stay far away from my vulnerability and - at the same time - see the double bind : my vulnerability is the part of me that knows HOW TO BE instead of just ACT AND DO!!!!

i choose a life that honors BEING and not only DOING WHAT I AM SUPPOSED TO

i want to bathe in the ocean of receptivity, feeling, breathing, authenticity :

in the well of my ability to respond

AND YES ~ i consciously choose my vulnerability, i own it because i do not want to keep missing the boats going off to the land of intimacy and relating -

to the sacred place where sensitivity, magic, and fear bind a lustrous tissue and allow moments to be lubricated with sweetness and challenge, with the gift of feeling my impact in the world and allowing the world to impact me

AND - i want to respond to YOU - AND - i want this expansion!

(in george's beautiful words : )

learning what it is to be vulnerable

is learning to be open to others and open to the self

in all its dark and light; and when this really opens,

they are not other at all, simply unique

you

2010-05-01T18:51:00.000-04:00

from rough to smooth

2010-04-25T13:35:00.005-04:00

patches

moments of sand

accumulated

stones

slow me down

return to old places

taste them again

relive them

realize

sometimes right away

sometimes within days

opportunities and choices

endlessly unfold

freedom

stand up

open the door

walk out

say no

take a breath

look at a new angle on that same sphere

then sit

faithfully sit on your heart

imitate its fluid dance

take in

let go

circle

in constant change

smooth grip

fully own and embody

your mindbody expansion

shifts : she's blooming agin

2010-04-14T14:21:00.012-04:00

not a moment goes by
we never avoid
shifts

even though we make pretend
nothing moves or changes

even though we create great
resistance

we desperately ~try to~ keep things the same

or not see, or feel

what we tell ourselves

we do not feel or do

we keep ourselves
impermeable
stuck and rigid

~ yet ~
even when we disown the very things we feel shameful about
the very things we wish we did not have or feel

shifts endlessly manifest
twist and emanate

unearth sentiments

and
push us to unfold

~ and ~
no matter how terrifying it can be to open the door and see
to quiet and accept

to search for the obvious
to know that inside of us ALL exists

ALL that we castigate, judge, push away, say we are not

ALL of it we are

how terrifying it is to know ourselves impermanent
complex and nothing but human

~ there ~
in parallel existence
is an unequivocal beauty
a moment of suspense where life
and all its magnitude, totality and simplicity,
holds herself naked in front of us
like a precious young muse

and

all we can do then

is bow our hearts

and

lose our heads

mind body expansion

let's : practice shifting

2010-04-07T17:20:00.002-04:00

from
rigidity to softness

from
firmness to flexibility

from
fear to courage

from
negation to response-ability

how?
re-member

brilliant ~ ly

2010-04-06T12:50:00.004-04:00

~ we constantly

r e c r e a t e

what supports us ~

*** just remember that sometimes

[m o s t
t i m e s]

what supports you in the morning
no longer feels like support at night ***

so

even though we are
b r i l l i a n t

we need to
c o n s t a n t l y
return to the moment via
our breath

retrace and relace ourselves

to find ground
to assess
to listen

and then

support ourselves ~ anew

and support ourselves in not just
repeating and recreating old stories

not just trying to open the same door
with the same key that does not work

but support ourselves in
finding

s p a c e

different but the same

2010-04-03T09:27:00.003-04:00

i have been thinking

about how when i feel wounded
i often feel rejected
- by who? -

about how sometimes
i think difference equals distance
- who creates the distance? -

about how certain rigidities
in weird ways offer so much
(fake, exhausting)
support
- who needs support? -

about how
(dare i say we each)
b r i l l i a n t l y
recreate what
(we believe even if in not so wise ways)
suports us
- who needs support?-

~
raindrops collide
the ground of my soul moistens
i realize that
intelligence is
c o n s t a n t l y
offering itself
like a lover
so that we
learn to do
new things

~

s e e

l i s t e n

f e e l

h e a r

i m a g i n e

d o

~

here again
familiar corner
new light
heartbeat fastened
sweet love
again the sky opens

i am

&

b e i n g
is not superior

it is
b e i n g

~ what would happen if i look at those things that
hurt that
feel rigid that
i struggle with
as
shadows i see

(there is always more than what you see)

.... then .....

i
c a n
dance consciously
savoring
t r a n s f o r m a t i o n

(we are already dead - we are all trying to live)

~ hoy desperté deslizándome en un rayo de luna
embriagado de ti ~ del calor de tu flor
un huracán se levanta en la punta del cielo, se abre paso hacia mí, con violencia de amor

aunque me hará sentir, aunque me hará soñar, o aun que me hará sufrir

yo sé que nunca es sabio abrir tanto la puerta, pero es que arrastro con un peso mortal ...

soul

2010-03-22T17:16:00.003-04:00

find your

s o u l

if you rather call it
true self
call it that

call it what you may

find it ~

it cannot be found in

~any category
role
any story
nor any title

one problem ~

2010-03-20T16:34:00.005-04:00

the part of you that
W A N T S
the story to remain the same

that part
RUNS THE SHOW
and it gets triggered

because

YOU CAN'T STAND WHAT
YOU ARE FEELING

*only by being in the present
WITH WHAT EMERGES
can and do our abilities
COME UP

~

remember that
no experience is ever the problem

~

the "problem"
or better said :
the one way in which we get
in our own way is :

OUR LACK OF PRESENCE

LACK OF HUMAN EXPERIENCE

*if we really follow our experience
we have to
OWN OUR HELPLESSNESS
(i am aware the charge this word has, but bare with me)

OWN HOW HELPLESS WE ARE
because we are
UTTERLY CLUELESS as to
WHERE OUR EXPERIENCE
WILL TAKE US

open up

breathe

know that you are not alone
we all need to learn to trust!
(*more?)

going i n

2010-03-19T17:47:00.010-04:00

*i found some inscriptions in the same notebook: they inspired this post*

when we go

i n

we never know what we will find ~

lets just lay it flat on the table :
this is
~ b o t h ~
exciting and daunting

~

and so,
often
i n the depths
i n darkness

*before revealing and acquainting with our desires
we run head on into : oh so pleasant :
hopelessness, anger, and fear

**they usually hang out with
our losses
with anxiety and jealousy
insecurity and pain

***longing tends to sit and watch only wishing he could participate

and it is easy - as it is natural
a reaction and instinctual
that when we do not know something
understand it
or know what to do with it
we conclude that we MUST :

push it away
get rid of it
deport it
imprison it
or force it to change

we grow in interesting directions
and often choose intolerance

~

so there we are now :
wearing intolerance's suit
acting and reacting
edgy and cruel towards our humanness

our human qualities

certainly intolerant also of others and their
YUKKY
DISGUSTING
humanness

((it really stinks in here!!!))

... it is best to run away

reject and deny
as we perform sophisticated tactics
to push others and ourselves away

we run for dear life
like forest. like lola

just run - run

rruunn

a w a y

~
we do not only run but according to ourselves
we do much to not go in

to ignore

to not come close

we resist the inevitable

and yet some wise part of us
goes in deep like seeds penetrate the soil

~

*can we see and accept, feel and know
that
feeling something does not make it true

and remember
that
accepting is not a passive act -
but a very active choice

~

remember that much of what we think we are and what the world is
is attached to who we think we are ~
we struggle so dearly to maintain the status quo
to keep our personality rigid by rejecting anything that might challenge us
(*instead of remembering that when we render ourselves stable we open to our freedom)

~

when we accept
HOPE OPENS
and we have an active chance to learn that
being where we are is what we need to
GROW AND HEAL

how stabilizing and free!

vastness and possibility of experience

2010-03-17T10:48:00.004-04:00

i was looking through a little notebook from a gestalt therapy group
and found these precious inscriptions ~

~ everything you think you are is a story
that stops you from savoring the
e x p e r i e n c e
that is happening ~

right now

the moment stands still
i find my breath
life is threading itself into me
permitting itself to be seen as this
as me
as that

i land on the moss of her pot
alive
we breathe

~ we have automatic tendencies to be in relation
to be responding
all to often reacting ~

the moment
e x p e r i e n c e
is vast

~ step out of only seeing things from one perspective
listen not only to how you see yourself
but how others do so
it's nice to be free and enjoy both
or more perspectives at the same time ~

for today i will remind myself
maybe 700 times in a minute
to keep opening my perspective

to keep
e x p a n d i n g

into vastness
into quiet
into possibility
into

into

into
e x p e r i e n c e

this practice has taught me and continues to teach me
to find self-support
internal self-support
a place where i do for myself
whatever i can to support myself
and i stop expecting others to take care of me ~

l i f e - lifeless-life-living-life - a l i v e

2010-03-08T15:28:00.000-05:00

water drips from her roots
i sink her today into the deep ocean

she settles
b a r e ~ no leafs

a g a i n

i notice she chases me
mirror and mimics me

i too stand b a r e

unfolding

marshmallow talk ~

2010-03-08T06:48:00.000-05:00

i received such a thoughtful response to my previous post, and since the comment box - is so hidden - i turned it into a post

i am not used to doing posts that are this long - nevertheless - i hope you not only bypass the warning YET find it as enriching as the process was for me!

i ENDLESSLY look forward to furthering ANY CONVERSATION

~

i lay and as her words drape me i realize i do not them to remain secluded for only the curious to see
(in the silent night - i know my reasons :: i lived my life too long like that ::: it was TOO painful)

~

(*for clarity's sake ((and yours)) all of HER words are in italics)

(((BTW ::: anonymous ::: IS a WOMAN!)))

~ ~ ~

She began softly ~

Years ago I often would think of patience as impenetrable armour.

After reading your post I researched this a little bit & discovered a medieval
poem titled "Psychomachia" by Prudentius in which

Anger attacks Patience & being unable to defeat her destroys herself instead

i sat there pensive and in awe
honestly - take a hold of that image, thought, and feeling

really, really, i mean really allow yourself to have an experience in your body of the massacre

i respond ~

- you have made me dive in deep - and - ---i admit --- that before searching for the poem myself, i was struck with the powerful metaphor of ~anger attacking patience~ i almost wept (or did it?) for i know the pain of that battle all too well

interesting that Prudentius - named after the virtue prudence : to act in a just, adequate, cautious way - added in parenthesis after the word "psychomachia" (the battle of mansoul) although elsewhere listed it appears as (the soul battle) and YES this is clearly how i feel the patience's persecution when anger succeeds

the image brought me to remember - Jorge Bucay's- story about sadness and fury and how when they disrobe at the riverbanks and heading into the water, furry comes out as usual in a hurry - reactive - and mistakenly takes off dressed as sadness; while sadness lingers (as is her habit) in the pond - still - as she wonders what happened and admits she does not really ever want to move ....... since that day 'they say' that whenever you encounter furry there is sadness underneath and sadness holds furry at its core ~

anyway ......

regardless ---- some feelings like anger seems to often end up alone!!!!

~
she continues:

There is a sense of SPACE I perceive when contemplating patience - space
given to oneself, space from other energies, space for the pace that IS.

Patience does give way to success even if in curious ways.

i too believe ~ways can make space and BE curious ~ leading us to discover
&
discovery is liberating even if we run into one of those 'oh shit' instead of 'aha' moments

you have also allowed me to consider (again)

s p a c e

the sacredness of it
of taking a deep breath before reacting
~to feel
~to be in the moment with what emerges
& not just live or relive an automatic story ~ like the light timers in some people's homes that help make pretend they are in when they are not!!!!

precisely yesterday at a workshop i heard a story -and one of the characters after reaching out to many gods for help and not finding a solution that is fully satisfying pauses and goes into deep meditation
giving himself sooooo much
s p a c e

eventually, in that SPACE (within) he gains clarity & power

& from his 3rd eye emanate six sparks
(*three and six add up to make nine THAT auspicious number)
and these 6 sparks have been transmuted and are now evolved & posses the power of recognition & reflection they are six because that is the number of demons he fights

the demons are without and within
it all depends what you want to see
and how deep you are willing to go

YET s p a c e (like you beautifully mention) gives these energies refinement

these are still passed on in the story and given to fire and to the ocean

fire - transforms them and hands them to

the ocean - v a s t n e s s - holds them in her depth

i love to remember the PACE and delightful rhythm at which life dances
u n d e r w a t e r
it is truly breathtaking
& hypnotizing
i think of algae shamelessly dancing with itself as lovers do behind windows
sometimes opened ~ sometimes closed

the ocean holds these until she spits them out onto a forest, onto the most murky territory imaginable
one where everything sticks and binds ~ integrates ~
and this dark, thick soil churns these bolts into a boy with six heads who now posses many more gifts

one of the most powerful ones : his ability to ask HIMSELF QUESTIONS AND REFLECT
he recognizes he can make choices and act ~
he can now turn DESIRE into BEAUTY

------ what a refinement it is when we can each honor our desires and truly allow them to show up in manifest forms in the most beautiful way imaginable -------- and not just ACT OUT, SPIT OUT, SPEAK UP ----- just for the sake of it ~

(you can consider what has happened to an emotion when you allow yourself to feel it in one OR more places - that is you feel it in your gut, then you think about it, then you bring it into your heart, then you talk about it, then dance about it, write about it, digest some more and then bring it out into SPACE)

~
she accentuates ~
When I think of practicing patience I soon come to doubt my ability to practice it for very long ~ How long am I able to BE PATIENCE ?

YES!
~ that is just too ironic - the very thing we often do as humans (mostly?) out of our awareness
we mumble reactively airing our incongruity's and we appear funny
it's a miracle we can be taken seriously!

what i mean is like when we passionately say: i HATE people that HATE!
or I HATE prejudice people ~
(@.@)

~
intimacy with patience takes practice and ironically PATIENCE ~

and YES patience induces patience
like shame induces shame
like love breads love

( i land again :::: s l o w i s quick)

patience KNOWS to be patient and when aligned with wisdom and compassion
it also knows when it is appropriate to be patient and wait and IT DISCERNS when it is worth to stop waiting for the impossible to happen

~ like me expecting an elm tree to give me a pear!!! ~

parallel to this :
patience needs to be allowed : it is ever~present
like LIFE

l i k e g r a c e ~

like

s p a c e

always there

all i have to do is stay still
open
receive
and
soften my stubbornness to

a l l o w

a l l o w my- little- self to be molded
and accept my goodness
which GOD, sometimes it is soooooo hard to simply surrender to
especially when i battle loyal soldiers within that continue to believe in a fight that no longer exists and act as if not loosing were the most important

although Genpo Roshi taught the whole group in a workshop that : loosing is winning
and when one knows when to back off - away - from a fight one also wins!
(*bless bless bless you and your generosity Roshi!)

guess what dear reader -
here we are again THIS is like attempting to surrender ~ check this beautiful note from a teacher

~~ Hi Jorja,

.... I kept thinking of things to write on surrender/submission, but never put the words down ....
It's an interesting subject, since egos, by nature, don't surrender. You could say that the ego is the act of not surrendering. Yet something is already surrendered, already has never had any objection to What Is. Being itself has no problem letting your mind not surrender, letting it be angry, petty, selfish. It can't not allow it! See what already doesn't argue with egoic consciousness, doesn't try to make it more spiritual, more enlightened, more accepting. Surrender is not something we do. It's our nature already. Touch that....

Blessings,
Allan
~~

patience
surrender
- a l w a y s t h e r e ~

like
g r a c e

the question then translates into :can i open to it?

what should i do - can i do to create MORE BEAUTY?

can i sit and listen?
can i allow?

can i surrender?

(who hears us???)

~

(((honestly : i hope no one hears me when i am singing in the shower!)))
((((or crying sometimes at night))))

~

continuing ......

~

patience ~ can lead me to be restless & uncomfortable -

[ A N D ]

this is a success because I have learned a new threshold within myself.

Thresholds within - brought about by lengthening - can inform us of our needs & our wants.

(((and of the very vulnerability that we are made of - that same vulnerability that can condense and become meteorite - yet nonetheless - breathing, pulsing, vulnerable L I F E )))

Then:

How long to be uncomfortable ?

I believe each one of us has an internal answer for this within, always available for our attunement & discovery.

i love the concept of gestalt therapy
Frits Perls talks about it in gestalt verbatim -
he invites us to think about frustration and there being such a thing as healthy, adequate and the RIGHT AMOUNT of - frustration - and if that threshold is bypassed then it can be traumatic - now the threshold is INDIVIDUAL -

the uncomfortable feelings
aught to be enough to spark movement and not to paralyze the person
- when in the right amount -
it has pointed me, within me, to a resolve
to say - BASTA -
to step up
to surrender
to submit!

~

In regards to SUCCESS:
My mind quickly goes to societal, material constructs such as jobs, promotions, money & popularity.

My heart melts when it sees where my mind goes!

My heart melts with awe, sadness, disbelief & a voice that says ~
"oh, please! Success starts with me & deeply you always know this."

YES!!!!! YES : ohhhh! YES!!!!!

When I sit instead of running,
When I surrender instead of fighting,
When I am submissive rather than resistant

What is revealed ?

Then:
The potential for *NOSTALGIA*

There are always special aspects of the present moment ~ even if painful, unpleasant or abrasive that have the potential of being reflected on tenderly later. The passage of time & awareness of it
can often bring me to appreciate what is before me in this very moment, no matter what it is............

When I find myself WANTING WANTING WANTING WANTING WANTING, I have lately
come to practice looking to what is just before me & tenderly loving & appreciating the experience I am having.

opening to grace as we often hear and say in this practice
opening to GRACIA - GRACIAS -
thank you
gratitude

that is -grat-titude
gr-attitude
an : attitude of grace

(*had a sesame street moment : gra -titude ---- gratitude)

of thankfulness

~

Wanting what is before me rather than what I think, know, project, hope, imagine, dream,
manipulate, wish may be coming to me.

i add; wanting what is before me and within me ~

Success can often be driven by a pattern that has me wanting to beam my love, energy &
attention so far OUTWARDLY -- to people or things out of reach or not even in my present environment. Your post underlines the profound & simple importance of practicing love & contentment right now, present with whatever objects or people surround me (empty coffee cup with grounds at the bottom, my kitten Raja, a wooden box of sake, my toes, my breath, the sound of the radiators...........)

~~~~~ YES!!!!!!!!!! ~~~~~

So...marshmallows. Even though promised, there may not even be another one coming - even if one never ate the first one! Perhaps it is this important to appreciate & be with the one we are given to begin with. The success then is not about getting MORE but about considering what we already have.

YES ::::: about accepting our freedom, beauty, ability to choose, exist, be, live fully!!!!!!

Thank you for sharing yourself, for challenging me & for making s p a c e . :)

((*** all i can say is this last sentence should not be in italics ::: absolutely thank you!))

don't eat your marshmallows --- not yet!

2010-03-04T15:02:00.000-05:00

my friend beatrice sent me a note and a link to a video
(SHE has inspired this post)

her note was sweet and apologetic
(i confess: i was curious and anticipated what i would find)

a smile on my face was crafted ~) one that holds a lot of sweet intimate stuff and since that day, i have been contemplating a lot what this study suggests:

research shows there is a positive correlation between being patient and becoming successful ~

(* a positive correlation means that as one variable increases, in this case, being patient; another variable increases, in this case, becoming successful)

~

enjoy the video: Joachim de Posada says, Don't eat the marshmallow yet

~

b shared: " .... the little girl with the headband reminds me so much of you..."
i sat there contemplating whether to eat her words or not, i wondered if i aught to feel embarrassed, yet frankly ~ all i felt was cute!

~

i searched the net for marshmallow pictures and i found this other one & it has completely reframed my idea of padded bras!

i then wondered if success is really linked to delaying gratification in every area of our life? ~

i guess it depends - hahaha -
nevertheless, i do believe that learning to cultivate self-discipline, delay gratification, know patience, and tolerate the uncomfortable feelings that arise when we don't get what we want in the moment we want it - or in the moment we think we should be having them is important
~ as important as (and a part of ) ~ learning to listen!

and TRUSTING

(this can be a sticky subject because many people have had intense experiences that have compromised this ability) (also one of my teachers also recognizes and reminds me that learning to trust it is one of the hardest thing to learn to do!)
~

although i believe no one can tell US how to delay gratification and become more patient - because (like with most things) there is not ONLY one way to do things, exist in the world, or see things

YOU get to decide what this all means to YOU in this moment of your life and what are realistic parameters for you - and yes - it is likely that these WILL change

~

i've been asked : WHAT DO YOU WANT & HOW MUCH DO YOU CARE?

i find that HONESTLY answering these questions settles and frees me -

i find that if i want something really bad and i care about it or about achieving it, i put - it seems - all the right energy into it; my effort does not feel like effort and then i observe my determination manifest as healthy ambition. Usually, as i learn, make mistakes, and grow into mastery or virtuosity, i enjoy each moment - and i am not so focused on the end result or goal - but appreciate living my life sweetly - regardless of where i am and if i have achieved what i have in my mind and in my heart

NOW - all of this said i've also had to accept that no matter how much i've wanted certain things and no matter how much i try and cultivate my patience they will not happen :
i will not become a zebra! and i cannot make you love me if you don't!

(......... here i am again - naturally - returning to surrender and submission ..............)

( i pause )

( i take a deep breathe and hear my teacher, peer, and friend ~ elena ~ say :

slow is quick )

S in the woods ~

2010-02-10T14:13:00.002-05:00

i asked her how she defines surrender and submission
and she wrote back ~

~ often we surrender with a white flag - we give up without giving over.
It is only when we do the latter that grace and the divine can come in.
The vibration of submission is that of 'allowing'. It is the recognition of
something far greater than ourselves that is there always taking care of us.
In this way the silent immeasurable vastness of being can do the work of
healing. ~

the words of this fairy have pierced me, her hands have convinced my body to soften
to quiet, to lend itself over to life : fully

to surrender and to submit

to drape itself and transform, to fly away and into the light like a monarch butterfly
boundless yet with clear direction

i am blessed to know her, to witness her expression, manifestation and above all :
her smile

her steps, clarity, and winglike words

today ~ the landscape of women she has wrapped
has gathered a new meaning in my heart
it has become a delicate emblem of remembrance that mourning to is a meditation
and like most processes it too teaches us to come close
and in enveloping intimacy with surrender and submission

to know the vastness of our hearts
and how they contain the energy of stillness, of wisdom, and of compassion

i stay seated and will continue to contemplate that
~ the vibration of submission is that of allowing ~

meet and delight in her : s. b. woods

she said : when i was drowning ~ and i selfishly grew happy::: she is alive

2010-02-08T13:42:00.000-05:00

i've been asking friends to define surrender and submission so if you read and feel like contributing PLEASE DO and DON'T WAIT FOR ME TO ASK YOU!

~

i posed my question and we smiled at each other ~ the light was perfect as she spoke ~ it fell on her and she shun like the sun - her eyes appeared to twinkle even more

(they always do)

K~
shared a story that brought a tear to my eye and has since opened me up like a watermelon ~

sweet friend
~YLE~

this is how i have internalized you and your story, one that now is shaped and retold through my experience and fantasy of it

(this is how most things happen - in any case K thank you for this, for you, and for giving me the permission to make this bit of your life mine - like a poem - only taking a poem that already exists and making a new one out of it)

i remember the quality of my skin the moment i heard her say -
.... when i was drowning

(mind you, she said this in passing as if to say pass me the salt or as if i knew that this had been an 'event' in her life
- my mouth opened and my heart sank - i asked, "can i know when THAT happened?"

... i was fifteen and i was surfing when all of the sudden the ocean ate me
i was underwater being forcefully rumbled and tumbled and as i was swung side to side - tossed up and down - i experienced so much anxiety and fear

i was in such a struggle fighting and not daring to accept what was and could happen to me

and it was when i actually made a conscious choice to stop battling -
when i admitted to myself that i might die - in that moment and until then something inside of me softened and opened so much that i experienced the deepest silence

- the sea turned off and all i saw was the ocean dancing - my experience no longer seemed violent or an aggression towards me - i felt bliss -

of course

not for what could be the worst possible outcome to this random day, but rather in accepting what was happening to me - in fully indiscriminately embracing the moment - in doing this, i gave myself to something bigger ---- and i courageously chose my next breath ---- and it was THAT NEXT BREATH ~ under water ~ that brought me up to the surface and i popped out of the ocean ....

~

i imagine her diving up and out of the deep like a dolphin ~

~

her words and story have given me such a gift and a deeper understanding of surrendering and submitting
they have carved a new road and revealed a deep learning AND i am now even more certain of how important it is to learn to surrender and submit to be truly and fully alive

(surrender ~ submission continued) it hit me like a snowball:

2010-02-02T15:53:00.000-05:00

it felt good, fun, and yet it hurt a little too ~ i felt sad as i gave myself space for believing i have never really fully surrendered or submitted to anything or anyone (i flooded and in my internal world i identified joy, pride, longing, and desire floating around)

a tear made a clear path on my face ~ i felt i tasted surrender and submission

how can i know that I NEED TO EXPERIENCE THEM without knowing what they mean! (i know it somewhere so clear like i learned to know my name and the taste of chocolate) (like i have learned to trust my breath, silence, the moment, and my heart)

~

surrender and submit

to what?
to who?

~

i asked
~ can you say more about surrender ~
faces turned; i felt a gasp hold me as if i pointed to some special treasure

i was answered with a question
(how annoying is that? although it serves the purpose of clarification and self-disocvery)
((but sometimes you just want to be told - not what to do - but told))
(((my suspicion is that surrender and submission are so intimate, so personal, so unknown that they are processes, experiences that cannot be put into words so easily ----

WHAT DO YOU THINK, FEEL?)))

when i was faced with the counter-question, instead of saying
~ i simply want to hear your definition~
i stumbled and added the word submission
(how easy it is most times to complicate matters!)

in responding - this was an important mention
SURRENDER AND SUBMISSION ARE TO BE A CHOICE ~
(often times they are not - is that what is terrifying?)

~

another day i heard a satiating melody - and this is how i jotted it later in the day:
submission is a process and moments of surrender deepen it
surrender is about embracing my life right now

~~~

for almost a week now i am pondering on
surrender and submission
-and-
i know : i know nothing

-and-
also i know how important it is for me
RIGHT NOW
to contemplate this

~~~

every time i have embraced myself and my life wholeheartedly no matter how intense things seems to be going
i have felt, witnessed, experienced things softening, easing, getting better and opening

is this surrender?

i know that the moment i recognize that i learn from you
i open, i receive, i surrender

is this submission?

~~~

can it be that both are words that are undefinable because they are part of a process

~~~

... they are like these orchids that throw themselves into the abyss of life
searching light, breathing moments, taking new directions, and daring to be different yet at the same one thing is for sure they surrender and submit and i have never gotten a watermelon!

so then : what am i so afraid of?

surrender ~ submission ~ surrender ~ submission ~ surrender ~ submission

2010-01-25T08:47:00.001-05:00

i was recently on a retreat ~ and honestly ~ it is hard for me to tell if the words: surrender and submission: were mentioned as often as i heard them

~~ beside the point ~~

i write this because i am driven on a new journey of discovery

sometimes i feel i have experienced surrender and submission ~ others ~ they feel and seem as far away as my current experience of warm weather! nevertheless, despite my chagrin both ~ beautiful, humbling, and deep acts ~ frankly ~ a little intense and scary too

~

what is surrender ~ what is submission?
how are they necessary in my life?

~

these and more (unanswerable?) questions emerge ~

i realize that (most) questions have more than one answer ~ and ~ like most things ~ my experience and answer will look very different with each breath, in each moment, and with each passing hour ~ a very creative way to say : it depends

(* recently, i heard a wise man say : many questions have no answer yet that does not mean you can't pose your question!)

~

how do you define surrender and submission?
how have you known when you've surrendered or submitted?

a m p l i t u d e

2010-01-02T20:55:00.000-05:00

when i remember

granted i state :::when i remember

that things pass and shifts breathe themselves into different shapes, that emotions flow, time elapses, and moments transpire ~ i support myself to experience a deep ease ~ one that overcomes, grounds, and expands me ~

only then i know paradoxes and opposites to be necessary compliments and gateways to experience life's fullness and wholeness

~

i have noticed that when i believe that others or moments ~ or even myself ~ are only one thing, one dimensional, one emotion, one experience, one story ~ i contribute to my inability to see more than one thing at the same time ~ i also create rigidities and splits : an interesting currency that converts the world and people into being either all good or all bad

when i lock myself in one view, i feel as though i were grounded in my room, and from this narrow place the world carries only four walls, one story, no depth, and i mostly exist in a monotonous monologue

no wonder: life can seem cruel

~

when i REMEMBER ~ that opposites dance and give life depth, dimension, contrast ~ shadow and light ~ i (re)gain curiosity, courage, and desire to navigate the depths of my emotions

i then feel unabashed and want to FEEL it ALL

i know that discovery teaches me to ::: hear, listen, and feel and to refine my skills ~

i really want to be like a dolphin ~
and have no fear of speed, no preference for the deep or shallow waters
and as much a need for the caribbean as for the pacific; for my sadness and for my joy
and ~ as i play ~ in the coming and going, the traversing of night and day -
with each inhale and exhale
r e m e m b e r

that it is not about getting it right or wrong
or about being this and not that
but about living fully!

l i f e

2010-01-02T20:50:00.000-05:00

i knew ...

2009-12-31T14:05:00.000-05:00

all has been a necessary bruise
a sweet caress, a nudge, a delicate embrace

an opportunity to fall apart without moving
to watch it all crash at a pace at which things usually melt

romantic avalanche
off the face of the earth
off the corners of my mind

all meets emptiness

i knew ~
life would reopen ~ again
clear and show its face like an orchid butterfly

reveal an inner harmony unlike no other
one difficult to describe or put a tune to

i knew ~
she would unmask new buds pregnant with white life

dragons of love suspended from branches
safely wrapped in green cocoons
silent swelling ~ as they grieve, grow, love themselves
behind closed doors

speak to us
imitate us
reflect us

i knew ~
life dances like the ocean
retrieves and waves itself anew

i knew ~
myself held
guided by the silent empty thread of her breath

the same breath that rests on my back
draws a line ~ so deep
and leaves a cute indent where my spine walks on

these buds

2009-12-23T19:31:00.000-05:00

are like ctaerpillars in pupas

i wonder if inside the same melt down is taking place

complete melt down

2009-12-21T20:33:00.000-05:00

ever since i can remember i've been captivated by the metamorphic process of caterpillars ~
not to mention the magical seduction and enthralling lure of the butterfly's symmetrical wings that bat at me opening me up ~ like hedwig's pink lashes

my fascination began actually by being afraid of caterpillars
much like i've been afraid to do or live certain things that in the end have never been nearly as bad as i first sketched and experienced them to be

~

as a child, in mexico city, i remember black flying burning caterpillars ~ today ~ i know these poor fellows were having deadly accidents as they would (mistakenly) loose their grip and fall from the very branch or leaf that was supporting them, and they were corroding ~~ yet sometimes they'd fall ~~ much like pigeon poop would fall from the sky. clearly, neither would have a direct intention to bother me - nonetheless - both would make me cry! the caterpillars would burn and although poop did not it would made me cry for different reasons!

~

my wonderment seems to explain something; maybe it is such an adequate metaphor, one that much like cinderalla's shoe, simply fits in the crevasses of my being --- but these are reflections, mirrorings that allow me to feel held by the universe, a part of it, and even understood!

~

honestly i've often felt like a caterpillar ~ not necessarily waltzing through green leafs; resting beneath the sun ~ but
more like when it traps itself in her precious bead

embraces herself
sets a clear boundary

i even believe i know her feelings for i too often thread with much dedication ~ with every chosen word ~ my way into silent confinement and entrapment

i know all too well how to drag myself
into darkness
separation
seclusion

no matter what - a caterpillar too - elegantly weaves her choiceless choice into a choice and intoxicates herself in deep meditation; one that demands and provokes full cloaking ~ and so as she wraps herself tight like the sea ~ she begins a journey of death that leads to rebirth ~

a journey that punctures and traverses darkness, that penetrates thresholds, time, saliva, cells, the wind, sun, and moon

a courageous journey of transformation, of transmutation : of becoming, of blooming, expanding, and flying away

~

i knew well that once formed - yet still confined - the butterfly beats her wings and it is the very resistance of her shell which creates the boundary she needs to gain her strength, to know herself from within, in silence and tucked in - and i knew that if anyone opened the cocoon prematurely she would die without being able to traverse death simply because she would not yet have mustered enough strength to become and fly

it is healthy struggle and frustration that makes us grow ~ without any frustration we would not even open a peanut butter jar (i believe Fritz Perls gave me this idea) not to mention learn to stand up for ourselves, dance, tie our shoe laces, kiss, or tolerate anything that does not go our way ~

yet yesterday in a workshop - Sianna Sherman shared that the caterpillar has an actual melt down ~ she dissolves much like the wicked witch of oz and her head - much like mine with all its ideas and beliefs many of them rigid and powerful - is the last thing to deliquesce and disintegrate

yet in the end it too disappears

only to remerge transformed

part of a new body -

a new head (a bald one)

a new outlook

a new story

new possibilities

new skills

and a set of majestic wings to fly away, to, and from

in silence, on my mat, next to ross and laura - held in my cocoon not only threaded by my presence but their's
in the studio that is my home ---- i knew ----

looking back ~

2009-12-02T14:45:00.001-05:00

more than a decade ago, before ever predicting the inspiring impact that gestalt therapy would have in my life, i began my journey as a client; i mounted myself on a tractor and i aimed to achieve perfection

i was hungry to become flawless and problemless; my belief was fueled by a massive electrical current that really supported noisy tormenting thoughts that i used to keep me safe (ironically via creating a lack of safety) :::

if only i could do this and not that ...
if only i had this and not that...
when i look like this and not like that ...
if i can get myself to feel this and not that ...
when i do that...

nonetheless ~ my end goal was to reach the improbable and MAKE (as if i were a magician) ALL MY PROBLEMS GO AWAY ~

i really had a wish to NEVER BE BOTHERED AGAIN

i longed to be lineless, like a beach evened out by the ocean
hungered to feel like i fantasize one of those expressionless women feels like
to be cold as porcelain ~ i dreamt of having no creases or indents

i kept working so hard because i thought i would get a prize and
one day would be a finished and final PERFECT product
- kinda - like a statue (or death)
like a piece of furniture in some one's interesting home
trapped rigidly with no vein to bump this restless hungry heart

all i can say is ::: what i would have missed!!!!

she blooms again

2009-11-20T12:07:00.001-05:00

an unexpected unfolding took hold of my heart this morning

tending to her - i came close and pressured lightly
"she's still moist" i thought

and then
- i knew

she can wait a day or two to be submerged
and
the respite pool of my desires dripped

i gazed up
and
met a new little tentacle,

a new bright green vein reaching out for life

she reminds me it's time to be born again, she reminds life never ends it simply transforms

life unfolds, seeks life, feeds on life
without permission - freely
charged with passionate will and intention

forward
she gazes,

out
she sprouts,

she moves elegantly gliding seductively through mid-air
she owns a new direction without apology
finally obeying no season

finally bursting not when it makes sense
or things are right but just because

humbled again
i lower my head and feel my heart

her wisdom sinks deep into the soil of my being
how come such uncanny coordination mimics my understanding of life

sometimes i hear her whisper when i sleep
It's times like these you learn to live again
It's times like these you give and give again
It's times like these you learn to love again
It's times like these time and time again

other times she sounds more like this
there's things inside without a care
and the dirt still strains me
so wash me until i'm clean

she pauses, ponders, and asks
where do i take this pain of mine
i run but it stays right by my side

her reckless abandon teaches me about trust
about how life contains itself and waits for an opening to leak thru
to open and expand

growth
a new pathway - vein
an expression of potential held by the invisible veil of breath

decided to speak again
she punctures silence
penetrates without permission or commitment --
without the boring routine of obeying any season -

others she simply offers herself to me
as a lover would
she becomes a mirror and reflects my life
loud and clear
so unconventional, yet so ordinary

awareness is health

2009-11-17T16:22:00.000-05:00

awareness teaches us to be intimate ~

it spills like hot wax the shades and subtlety of experience
so that we experience, taste, and savor the layers of each changing moment;
so that we notice how we shift, grow, transform, settle, and expand
so that we notice the world around us - endlessly - doing the same

~~~

among many things - gestalt therapy proposes that -
WHEN we regain awareness we have lost, we reclaim our health

~~~

i ask::: how have i lost my awareness?

i also joke because loosing one's awareness sounds funny:::
where is it? did it fall out of my back pocket or head? did i misplace it?

~~~

the obvious ways i have lost 'some' (or all !?!?!) awareness are when experiencing traumatic event
- now - how to define TRAUMA is complicated and i will not get into this here
yet it is safe to say that ::: we have all endured our share of traumatic events; therefore, we have all lost some awareness

~~~

so when i put the obvious instances aside, light seeps in -
i pause and contemplate what this really means for me, how i observe this, and what direct experiences i have had with this idea of loosing my awareness

boy - some ways in which i loose my awareness are so subtle, silent, and automatic that the veil is thin here
i also laugh : if i've lost my awareness of course it will be hard for me to even reflect on this!

does my loss of awareness fuel my blind spots? are they the same?

nonetheless i realize how many decisions dictated by a thought sounding something like this :::
i will never again .....
i do not .....
are weighty decisions that result in a loss of awareness because i am not really authentically present but living guided by some rigid expectation preventing me to freshly, openly, receptively : SEE, FEEL, HEAR, TASTE, SMELL

~~~

every time i desperately try to not feel something, see something, do something, say something .... i loose my awareness

***and i am aware that these are only few examples ~ others are lost~ remember, i've lost my awareness! ***

~~~

i know that every time i have decided i was NEVER AGAIN GOING TO want something, ask for something else, feel something other, aspire for that, wish for that, or desire that - i have later paid a high price!

and

no matter how much skill i employ in severing the pulsing nerve of my desires or by which sophisticated means i send my wishes, dreams, and longings off to boarding school, down to the basement, or deport them into exile they ALL eventually resurface, peaked through, shown up like uninvited guests, or act out with determination

with all this said : i acknowledge that we ALL (most of us, if it makes you feel better) do the best we can in each moment

i soften because i will never stop loosing 'some' awareness

~~~

so - i loose my awareness when i disown my feelings, needs, desires, vision, or knowing even when with all the awareness available to me in any given moment i decide to push something aside thinking i am doing myself and others a favor - these silent contracts rigidify my fluid and spontaneous actions, they paralyze my sense of exploration of what each moment has to offer, limiting access to the fertile newness alive in each moment

~~~

now i realize - this - is even more subtle and complex :::
i notice that when i live certain things that with exact and uncanny precision imitate familiar historical patterns
especially dynamics i continue to act and live as if i were trapped in the bubble of the past
i might only gain some awareness of my rage, outrage, anger, resentment
yet i am unable to verbalize any of these in ways that can manifest appropriate actions and results externally
because i might not even be aware of another layer of feelings like
what dream was crushed, what was my disappointment, what did i decide i did not deserve

~~~

any of this sound familiar?

2009-11-17T16:15:00.000-05:00

awareness is discovery

2009-10-11T11:45:00.000-04:00

i exist

b a r e

and plant seeds

emotions sprout like lava
sometimes hot raging lava
sometimes vast, wet, moist, and mossy grass

emotions stretch me inside
like veins affecting not only me,
but you, and the moments we share ....
this moment - that - moment, last moment, the next moment, each moment ---

emotions are one of many things that shape our meeting

and i continue to dance
sometimes eloquently, fluently, elegantly and with awareness
others i stumble shamefully, unskillfully, and with worst aim
than that of the horrible news that invited itself in for tea
wearing nothing but pain and loss

yet whether aware or not
i w a v e continuously

and c o n t i n u o u s l y
adjust to room temperature, my jeans, your words, my thoughts, wishes, desires, frustrations, and longings
adjust like these orchids have and do to the drama of letting each flower go
knowing well things exist once ~ although they return ~

adjust like water when it hugs my skin sweetly
like hot coco in my belly

i constantly adjust
and
c o n t i n o u s l y
create expressions
ideas, feelings, desires, closeness, separation, rings, and poems
- at the same rate i create excuses to love you, hate you and then love you again -
again and again

i create a clear vision, a terrible one, and a subtle trace back into my heart and sanity

c o n t i n o u s l y
i destroy my fear
i do the same to love and peace
as if it were food, the past, the present, and the future

as time falls ~apart from its edges ~ it cracks like a watermelon

c o n t i n o u s l y
i befriend (or not) aspect of myself and of you
of life as i know it ~ moment to moment ~

AND

all of this adjusting, creating, destroying, and befriending happens as i, you, we
breathe and deal with the added circumstances that life decides to present
sometimes kindly, sometimes unexpectedly, and others violently yet always bitter-sweetly

~~~

being aware opens the window to responsibility
and as i learn to use this response-ability i can cease being defiant
and possibly choose to not only be passive, over-active, a victim, or an aggressor
i can own my participation and no longer hide behind my self-effacing or self-aggrandizing ways

ONLY then ~

i see uniqueness ::: everywhere
growth and life dancing :::
with its forward driven motion
backwards anchored, upward rising
downward dog, twisting, hurting, healing, and
almost accidental yet fully intended flowering

able to respond

2009-10-11T11:38:00.001-04:00

how i --- you --- respond to each moment is
how i ---you --- choose to exist in each moment

yes ::: think about it!
i --- you --- choosing how we exist!

i love Frits Perl's play of words:::
response-ability :::
our ability (or lack thereof) to respond to moments, events, things ....

frankly, it is not always pleasant to admit this or
do i easily want to abide to it

especially, when i sometimes create feelings i wish would not emerge from me
let alone exist in the hue of my expression and existence

especially, when i see myself capable to reaction to that ~
silly thing you did and skillfully turn it into a dagger
or when i see myself stuck to that hurtful decision you made

then ~ in the maze of my confusion ~ i twirl :::
that, this, that and ohhhh that ::: all becomes part of the tornado

in desperation i'll make you
--- w h o e v e r ---
responsible for what i am feeling

when the reality is :::
ONLY i am responsible for what i feel in each moment!

(p.s.::: you are responsible for what you feel!)

~

NOW WHAT?

~
YES i may not like what you chose to do or say
and i cannot change any of it :::

i can choose the how, the what, the way i deal, respond, and live each moment,
~how i integrate it or not into my life ~

being an adult makes us accountable!

~

maybe ~ this is a sweet enough place to rest and dwell in ~
to linger and pause

~

our awareness ::: our responsibility

one random act of kindness

2009-10-11T10:13:00.000-04:00

last night

i walked as a random man passed me
-- he turned to smile --
we smiled

then it was my turn to pass him
he shut the gate of a place that had captured me

i had just walked by minutes ago and
wondered if it was a school

i still don't know

outside bare for all to read and hopefully all to remember
is a hand painted sign --
children's letters and efforts makes it more endearing to me
it proudly holds THIS beautiful quote by Martin Kornfeld

all with smiles, he handed me an envelope
asked first if i had already read the sign

he explained the sign was important
i believe it too
he added if kids can learn this and
actually start doing it we might have a chance

my heart beat and the wind blew in equal proportion
the night opened, the moon smiled
in the envelope i carried back a poster of the sign
attached to it a photocopied hand written note:

"Martin Kornfeld's stimulus package
This is step one.
Stay tuned for step two."

~ i walked back
changed and appreciative of THAT
random act of kindness

inside me the meaning of what a
random act of kindness
means to me expanded although i first revised simple, obvious things

thank-yous thrown to the wind like a flower girl wasting petals at a distant cousin's wedding

open the door for THAT person who walks 20 steps slower than me even though i am running late to my 'very important life'

stay quiet even though my opinion wants to bombarded the moment --- each moment

forgive when i do not want to let go of my bone because it is just a delicious habit

call you and really hear you - listen - and be joyous of you being in my life

actually give, do, think, feel SOMETHING --- anything --- without actually expecting ANYTHING in return
not even being looked at or a thank you

breathe for someone else --- when i see them struggle
as i listen to them talk

breathe for myself

then i understood that random acts of kindness can be / are ?
as important towards ourselves as they are towards others --- and --- that they (we) are not separate from one another

take yourself to yoga

sit and breathe for 5 minutes

write just for fun ~ randomly ~

really disappear into the crevasses and details of
THAT tree that has exited outside your window for 500 years

really look at your meal before eating it and savor each bite

thank you

light --- heart ~ mystery of it all ~ chaos, madness, and incomprehensible aspects of life
you, we, him, me ....

soft

dive on the deep end and breathe, sit, speak, walk
know your magnificence and r a n d o m l y
- even if silently - see it
honor others
as you would yourself

can it be THAT in the end ~no matter how violent life gets ~
it is A L L a random act of kindness?

all while seated

2009-10-08T18:43:00.000-04:00

i stretch past the confines of my mind and skin

then

dwindle back into my little self
thread back in --- breath by breath ---

needle in tight --- stitch by stitch ---

a tear rolls down ::: fear releases

~

the noble seam of my existence humbles me

~

i survive the shock like a clam in a bucket
my thoughts move me internally like algae i am dangle
merciless by my emotional ocean

fierce and impetuous

i admire vastness

~

h e l d

faith, chance, madness, spontaneity

i ripple insecure ~ tremble like in the hands of a reckless parent

then

i lay still, full, soothed, satiated, snug, and cradled

graceful tango
the universe unfolds ::: it roars
loud ::: it coils, collides, and yields, adjusts, creates, and destroys

a l l while befriending me

teaches and grants me the magic to do doing the same ~~~

normal, natural, healthy ::: nothing but synonyms

2009-09-12T18:51:00.000-04:00

nature, my body, and
a n y
spontaneous behavior
i exhibit ::: is free

--- spontaneous behavior aligned with wisdom and compassion is what i call here:::
normal, natural, & healthy ---

in moments of spontaneity
i function as LIFE
unfolds

i listen
i breathe

l i s t e n
&
taste

H O W

NOW ::: i am not the same person that began writing THIS

i am not the same person who
woke up this morning
ate breakfast
walked
&
interacted with friends

invariably i have been
touched
molded
&
transformed by YOU

every time
i meet the moment :::
i meet my breath

& every time
i respond
i realize

i am free &
i function

every time
i find an answer
to each moment

a spontaneous NEW answer

i breathe
move freely &
function

b r e a t h e
pause &
listen

near the window - she sits
--- stripped ----

naked

s u s p e n d e d

each flower
---NOW---

folded

caved into her heart

she closes away from life
shyly
assertively

paints the air
with gratitude
& grace

no hesitation
she lets go

with - as much poise
& dedication - as when
she returns to bloom

yet unfolding
present & aware

intuitive & daring

she b r e a t h e s

reminisces & embraces
t r a n s f o r m a t i o n

punctuates & teaches me

THAT :::

free functioning::: is nature left to itself, flowing without second thought in the exigencies of the moment

bear with me

2009-09-07T20:36:00.000-04:00

i've been thinking of my soul recently &
soul thinking doesn't follow a straight line

b r e a t h e

N O W
i know (and t r u s t)
that when i breathe consciously
it takes a couple of breaths
-- to feel --
better
l i g h t e r
present
w i l l i n g
able
a c c e p t i n g

[this is true even when i experience
inherent opposites
that present themselves as
anxiety
constriction
fear
doubt]

invariably
when i breathe
c o n s c i o u s l y
i shift internally

i ::: o p e n

open & connect with something bigger
something other than my little self
dotted on the universe
jotted in some story

(BTW ::: the experiences of my little self are magnificent & often all i have access to ..... )

by conscious breathing
i mean:::
take the time to pause & notice
savor my experience
dive into the undulating folds &
expansive risings of each breath
take the time to notice
intricacies, depths, and navigate tranquil motions

so for today

just for this moment

carve the possibility even deeper &
b r e a t h e

breathe softly &
sweetly
as if you mean it

breathe lightly &
lovingly
because you can

breathe

~ you might agree ~

how easy it is to get caught up in attaining
in reaching and stretching too far away
--- physically, mentally, emotionally ---

easy to have a sharpened capacity to notice
what is missing
what is yet to be accomplished

easy to diminish the present experience
by talking about things instead of things
(am i doing that now?!?!?)

easy to be aware of what could be done better
what should have been different
what needs to happen next
what could there be more of

easy to turn myself into a goal &
miss that i am an organic ever-expanding & contracting
p r o c e s s

a pulse

ALIVE

~~~

so, no matter how risky
or delightful --- depending on what end of the spectrum i find you NOW ---

take a breath

pause &
l i s t e n

take another breath
f u l l y
vastly
m y s t e r i o u s l y
presently

NOW

feel your body
h o m e

feel your heartbeat
your smile
your cheeks
your skin
its confine and definition
its texture and temperature

give yourself
p e r m i s s i o n
to trust that :::::
you are where and who you aught to be
(and that does not mean you won't get all that you want to done!)

your breath
the means
to enjoy
p a r t i c i p a t e &
celebrate

your breath
open
l i g h t
receptive &
vast

your breath
direction
a c t i o n
acknowledgement
s a f e t y &
love

your breath
pressing against your skin
extending beyond your skin

your breath
experience
perspective &
awareness

breathe again &
feel supported

for today :::::
be not
too quick to move
too quick to breathe

infuse your
intension
posture
action
gaze
smile
with your value

b r e a t h e

all of this
begins
is
exists
before you

and for you

so

breathe

again ..............................................
just breathe

i need to remind myself ::::

there is no magical transformation
i am simply able to find ground again

..... like these orchids that have now fallen
into the wind
one by one
folded into each other
before letting go

then opened again against the wind
freely
seduced the mysterious
veil of transformation
knowing all to well
that expansion does not last forever
that it begs and needs contraction
only to become
breath again

(*so for today even if you have to do it 700 times a minute :::
just breathe!)

healthy choices ::: still hard

2009-08-29T08:36:00.000-04:00

Sometimes i catch myself - dancing rather close and in an intimate position - with my perfectionistic expectations that someday i will reach 'THIS' point where i will have no doubt, no questions, no fear, no longing, no loss, no problem .... when in this brief trance, i go as far as to believe i will find a way to make no mistakes, and that fuels my romantic need to never again experience ambivalence, pain, confusion, or for that matter anything uncomfortable!!!

I am glad that cannot happen!!!

What is 'THIS' point that i dilude myself into creating?

It is as elusive, non-existent, and ridiculous as a lot of the things 'THEY' say .....

haven't you ever wondered ::: who are 'THEY'?

I have come to learn and i make it a practice to remember ---- often ---- that even in health, i will experience a mild -- but nonetheless continuous -- level of frustration, ambivalence, fear, and longing. I stretch my daring words to add that these are present and necessary as any other feeling, emotion, experience in our vast human repertoire.

[breathe into your luminous heart and :::: feel]

I have at moments sat in silent defeat accepting to myself that i will forever be confused and full of questions - lately - i feel rather free and healthy in accepting that ::: i am confused and full of questions!!!

[breathe again]

Accepting my confusion and questions reveals opportunities to realign myself and/or with myself, to reintegrate many life experiences, and to grow honestly and authentically into new behaviors -- ones that ideally lead me to live in more and more satisfying ways.

All the studying i have done and continue to do offers dimensionality to the way i experience myself and life. My interpretation of many teachings shifts as i grow and continue to digest them; today i understand that no matter how much i integrate my experiences, my losses, my fears, my needs, my muscles .... my well-being does not require that i understand and/or work though every trauma, problem, question, or confused state i have lived or continue to accumulate as i wonder through life ---- and most importantly ----- that no matter what i do, i will never avoid confusion, questions, or making mistakes!!!

I accept that mistakes are necessary and essential for growth and health. I consider health our ability to successfully deal with situations as they present themselves in our life (I am not talking about politically defined health).

Now -- what is considered success, you may ask -- well -- this is one of many beautiful openings that many teachings have granted me::: it all depends!!! We are free to define what that, this, or it all means.

No matter how much i do, learn, practice, or eat organic (haha!) i will not assure, ensure, or make everything 'right', and when i stay attuned to my process, i know that when i relentlessly and neurotically try do make it all 'right and perfect', i actually interfere with my knowing and with me doing what i need to do. It is in the most difficult times that i constantly ground myself and repeat ::: ALL IS THE WAY IT SHOULD BE; OTHERWISE, IT WOULD BE DIFFERENT.

Nonetheless and despite all that happens in my life that i do not choose, i choose a lot, i am constantly choosing, and it is clear that sometimes i even choose not to choose! MY QUESTION NOW IS ::: when, where (i don't think it matters .... ) did i ever get the idea that when i make a choice that i know is healthy for me i 'AM NOT SUPPOSED TO' feel conflicted, ambivalent, pain, fear, loss!?!?!!?!

Making choices - adult choices - involves dealing with a healthy dosage of conflict, ambivalence, pain, fear, and loss ------ just as being alive involves frustration, fear, loss, and longing.

HOW MUCH, you ask???? you decide!!!!! and it also :::: depends!!!

p e t a l w i n g s

2009-08-27T18:00:00.000-04:00

my wings

tremble too

like these new orchid petals

opened

flapping against the wind

held by nothingness

carried onto emptiness

shy and stern

committed and weak

pearl like

yet rock like

wings

i didn't know i had

wings

i didn't want to have

wings

i need to fly

melting lava roots

2009-08-13T15:39:00.000-04:00

a work of art :::

these seemingly innocent, yet daring bursts of aimless life

~ rimmed and fat with directed attention ~

dart poignantly into me

~deeply~

she sits uneventful

~day after day~

and sprouts lavalike roots

her offering

her dance

her invitation for me to see

these roots pour themselves

almost vulgarly

lushly, seductively, pressingly

they reach out, offer a tap, teach me:::

it is possible to root, when uprooted,

it is possible to root in mid air

to root and merely appear as though floating

as though soaring through the sky

to root and venture into nothingness

into o p e n n e s s

e x p a n s i v e n e s s

daring, bold, yet planted and aware of a bigger dialogue

it is possible to stay so consistent with intention

braided so stable into the earth that freedom

to stretch far beyond what is conceivable

to expand past limitations

to restore and heal

to leak authentically

to grow with adventure yet fully aware

is not only revealed but lived joyfully

paused ~ as she seamed ~

i come now to know that each silent

~ apparently meaningless shift ~

is nothing but a consistent step in revealing herself

in e x p a n d i n g

in leaping for territory beyond

~yet safely~

strapped to this pot ::: her ardent heart

she has hinted at me that vastness is available

and with her shameless reach as one of those ficus that swallowed temples

she insists i remember to

tend to the ordinary and deem it extraordinary

i sit silent and feel

a tear

a gaze

a breath

a flower

a universe

i breathe nothing but a tearful gazing breathing flowering universe

vast heart

2009-08-13T15:18:00.000-04:00

silence

~~ deep~~ silence

looms heartbeat and heartbeat

t o g e t h e r

silence holds, unfolds, and rolls all of this

t o g e t h e r

silence pulses its wings, its days, its nights

silence

there is just silence

nothing but silence

breathe

2009-07-14T12:58:00.000-04:00

In these past days - it lingers - I have been doing a lot more conscious breathing and my dedication has granted me ::: a grounded alignment and a sense of elated expansion!

My breath - my teacher - the sweet vessel to taste and navigate through my experiences. My ability to grant myself support. My opportunity to live. My humble opening and awakening to something bigger - other than - this little sacred body that carries me. Breathing ::: an honor, a gift, a tool, a necessity, remembrance, a brightening, a softening, and a wave.

B r e a t h e - to come closer, to open, to root, to rise, to heal, to hear, to feel, to see, to taste.

B r e a t h e.

B r e a t h e - to remember, to ground, to deepen, to expand, to cleanse.

B r e a t h e.

B r e a t h e - to realize, to sit, to pause, to listen, to connect, to reflect, to effect, to love.

B r e a t h e.

B r e a t h e - to walk, to forgive, to smile, to clear, to know, to forget, to make space.

B r e a t h e.

B r e a t h e - to begin, to honor, to enter, to participate, to end, to leave.

B r e a t h e.

B r e a t h e - to be receptive, to be willing, to be open, to excavate, to repattern, to change.

B r e a t h e.

No matter what ::: just for today let yourself feel your breath and be fully in it. Dive yourself. Breathe with awareness of the waving pulsation that you are a part of. Breathe in the gift that you are, the miracle.

Breathe with your face, with your smile, with your eyes, with your toes, with your fingertips -- and --- notice::: notice your ground, your spine, your belly, your eyes. Breathe fully, e x p a n s i v e l y, wantingly, delicately, sweetly -- and -- notice::: notice the stability that is granted, you choose, and create.

Breathe to expand your body and mind and to notice how you are standing, sitting, and being. How the moment is standing, sitting, and being. Breathe and then simply ::: breathe again.

Breathe like the orchids that have breathed their way out of seeds, the earth, and firm cocoons. Breathe like them through their stem, their irradiant petals and effulgent flowers. Breathe like them through the stillness and unending change that succumbs. Breathe like them through the soil, leafs, and floating roots. Breathe while suspended, alive, and rooted to this earth. Breathe and then simply ::: breathe again.

pulsing breath : transforming bloom

2009-06-06T11:29:00.000-04:00

she sits by the window

- lurks & peeks -

she lingers in lust, innocently contemplating life

in eternal pause, bravely accepting transformation.

The mischievously mysterious events that unfold in this pot of clay - the earth and births of white orchids - render me humbly tender. I am left in awe; especially, when I take the risk to understand her as (part of) my existence.

Life is vested with vulnerabilities :: some delicious, some scary, some predictable, and most unknown, and yes being in contact with our environment opens and exposes us to:: danger. Thankfully, that is not the only thing we encounter in the vast fertile void of pulsating possibilities that life delights us with! However, for the sake of celebrating resiliency, determination, transformation, and will - in this account - I only mention this.

Some life events push us to creatively and wisely decide to cut the NOW, as if it were a class we never wanted to deal with. Yet without knowing any better, we make it habit to fleet the moment which often leads us, to say the least, to tend to circumstances inappropriately or inordinately. We replay the past as a broken record or magnify, catastrophize, and anticipate the future; we flood new and fresh experiences with opinions and judgements. Most of us are aware of these common strategies, yet we each have our personal style. In any case, our malabarisims drive our experiences further away from us instead of closer, and possibly, in the same way, we curb others and opportunities!

Of the 7 miracles I have witnessed emerge from out of this moss, not one has been the same. Despite the detailed and mastered perfection, not one flower has been identical, and I don't believe they have pretended to be. For that matter, not one of them has expanded or folded its petal wings in the same way. Each, despite some predictability, has seductively arrested me with elation and left me dumbfounded. A teaching in observing life, breathing it, and allowing its synchronistic graceful acts to reshape my heart.

These orchids spring, dangle, and allow themselves to be shaped by circumstances, yet they never lose track of their being or direction. They shyly and bravely open, peek, and engage the moment as if effortlessly celebrating and dancing in and out of expansion and contraction. They gracefully and eloquently free their poetry and desire and succumb to death and birth with a transparent trust. They are relentlessly inspired and do not deny, resist, or fight the present. They embrace each moment, each ray, each breath, and each moist drop with soft and permeable receptivity:: they simply know how to live!!!

And so, unabashed and unapologetic they continue to inspire me to be. Taking a courageous full breath and opening to my experience is a leap into the unknown:: what will I find today:: a mess, a tear, a wish, a longing, more fear, an unresolved story, wondrous possibility, disappointment, or some other version of my restless untamed resiliency, desire, or/and excitement?

No matter what, each unfolding and waving moment, I realize:: I choose and am free to take responsibility to expand into moments as if emerging from under the earth, green, graceful, rooted, yet at the same time, innocent and curious. All the while practicing to remember that transformation is inherent, inescapable, and wise and a possible invitation to live fresh and fully alive - like an orchid.

finally

2009-06-06T09:48:00.000-04:00

My desire to write has been burning deep for too long. A month or two ago, I signed in and created an account (that now remains lost in this blogger vortex). That day, I sat before the white screen, excited and plumb, yet unable to access what I wanted to say. I stumbled with shyness; I had no theme:: direction:: clarity. All went missing. I dared suggesting to myself that they've always been missing. I became a child again feeling that grandma's garden was a 'real' forest. Clearly it is all a matter of perception. Stunted, quickly and creatively I turned something very simple :: my desire, need, and enjoyment of writing into an expectation that deflated my possibility.

My expectation(s) then called in my insecurities - all now invited to a party I was not planning on having, let alone hosting, and as questions danced me to blankness and futileness this is how - that day - I washed down my need and desire.

Silence has allowed me to make a choice: I decided just now that letting my desire bloom is another stretch into expanding my mind and body. And yes, although I will share my felt experiences, I blanket myself in believing that :: the most personal can be universal.

My direction then remains unknown :: like the present. I am another exercise in :: trusting and opening to each moment's fertility. And honestly I know that blindly I have possibly now turned that, this, into an expectation. I move quicker than what I'd like to admit. But, NOW, in this very moment what emerges as a burning directed flame is my fascination with how I have changed my relationship to certain events in my life and therefore have witnessed my story change. No matter how exciting change is, it too has a daunting quality for :: who knows what will happen next?

Today, I describe change as another expanding and contracting cell. Alive. Breathing. Being born and dying. Reborn and redying. Rolling and waving endlessly. And in that undulating circular pulsation I feel myself :: free. Like any inhale or exhale I can't remain there too long. I remind myself that that is not my goal. I am more interested in finding my way back, in living knowing that I can choose differently and move.

I catch myself randomly remembering that I have to go to the bike shop to fix the flat tire on my bike. I smile a little then a lot. Again, I land on my empty breath, my heartbeat, my skin all a testimony of freedom. The orchid that sits by my window - ready to bloom for the 7th time since my mom died :: another reminder and teaching of this. It is possible to observe my life as it unfolds - in and out - of a clay pot.

jorja rivero

*gentle*

fell to pieces : not apart

freedom to choose

LOVE! it take strength to love!

*SHE* dances in *de*light*

in-timacy

I do not have to ~*just*~ sit

desire

the only thing instant is instant coffee!

what is true today

Finding Sexy

ask : want - whatever you do, do not stop!

desire

r a d -i- a n c e

THAT moment to listen

This explains how I feel

Just ~

given to ~

how

i n t e r r u p t i n g

unrealized potency

healing

a u t h e n t i c i t y

the seam of my heart

coming home

m u d r a : the imprint of my heart seals itself in the body and mind of the world

aftermath

Preparing for the blast ~

shadow & light : light & shadow

think of the shadow

integrity : integral : integration

when the heart is open it (also) hurts

fluidity & participation

we are free : falling

sometimes

do you have time to breathe?

you know

sometimes

today i remembered

what for? to live a fuller more authentic life!

vulnerablity

you

from rough to smooth

shifts : she's blooming agin

let's : practice shifting

brilliant ~ ly

different but the same

soul

one problem ~

going i n

vastness and possibility of experience

l i f e - lifeless-life-living-life - a l i v e

marshmallow talk ~

don't eat your marshmallows --- not yet!

S in the woods ~

she said : when i was drowning ~ and i selfishly grew happy::: she is alive

(surrender ~ submission continued) it hit me like a snowball:

surrender ~ submission ~ surrender ~ submission ~ surrender ~ submission

a m p l i t u d e

l i f e

i knew ...

these buds

complete melt down

looking back ~

she blooms again

awareness is health

awareness is discovery

able to respond

one random act of kindness

all while seated

normal, natural, healthy ::: nothing but synonyms

bear with me

healthy choices ::: still hard

p e t a l w i n g s

melting lava roots

vast heart

breathe

pulsing breath : transforming bloom

finally

gentle

SHE dances in delight*

I do not have to ~just~ sit